Friday, October 31, 2008

Full Size

With white pillow cases, we would run amok. Sure, the parents were present, but they strolled slowly, chatting, keeping barely-an-eye on our advance. Our street was long, but closed to cross-traffic, and littered with many many children.

Young kids, older kids and teens, decked out in 70's sensibilities, running door to door, slinging swollen sacks.

This was before the sensational stories. Before fear of razorblades and demon cults. Before Amber alerts. Really, before helmet laws and seat belt citations.

Back when the world was perfect, or apparently so, to a 7-year-old on a quest for free candy.

And then, at the end of the journey, after my friends had gone back to their own houses, before I had to go to bed, we would sort the loot. My sister, who was much smaller, and I would dump our collective bounty into a pile, and the parents and grandparents would pilfer through for favorites.

My mother was obsessed with the Abba Zabba. My dad made for the Milky way. I horded the SweetTarts, Smarties and anything else of a hard-and-sour nature.

But then, even after an epic Halloween haul, there was always the dud. The crap. The waste of precious trick-or-treating time. These were the plastic-wrapped carrot sticks, JuJu Bees, Bit-o-Honeys, Pennies and (worst of all) religious tracts.

Every year. Every goddamn year, some religious weirdo would sneak the mini-gospel into my sacred sack of goodies. I'd watch for it, but never saw it. They were good. The sneaky power of the Lord was with them. And for me to call THEM religious weirdos was really something, considering where I came from...

But I digress.

Look, as a parent, I now understand the internal motivation to hand out nutritious snacks, or helpful-seeming tracts, on Halloween. However, those things are just not fun. they are like getting socks for Christmas. It's not like the kids go begging door-to-door for candy every night. It's only once per year. And the whole point, at least these days, is to have fun.

And so, with that in mind, I have always been a big giver on Halloween; although, the relative swarm of ghouls and witches varies. The missus, who makes the costumes by hand, takes the tots door-to-door, and she gets to revel, to a reasonable degree, in the oohing and the awing.

I, on the other hand, man the door and hand out the candy to the other kids. It's the system, and it works.

So, to the store I went, late this evening, to fetch the goods to give away tomorrow (tonight, as you read this). I quickly grabbed three bags of cheap chocolate crap, when suddenly, my eye caught a hefty looking box. The box was wrapped in cellophane and priced to move. Still though, the box alone cost about 4 times as much as one of the bags.

Whereas, the bags contained bite-size mini candies, the box was full of full-sized candy bars. Snickers. Milky way. Baby Ruth. Reeses Peanut Butter cups. Kit Kats...

Full Size!

And so, I dropped the cheap-ass bags and grabbed two boxes.

Why? Because a whole bunch of kids will get a few fleeting moments of glee, when they sort through their sad sacks of bite-sized crap, and they come across an actual full-sized candy bar! That's why!

Will it save the world? No.
Will fix the economy? No.
Will it end the war? No.

But it will maximize the fun for the families that live in my neighborhood. And on Halloween night, that is the entire point.


  1. Mom mom use to give out otter know the long popscycles? Then one year she went cheap and got some candy from the 99cent store. Right on the packaging it said - Mary Janes. Yelled at her - you can't give kids Mary Jane!!!

  2. Oosje7:29 AM

    Good for you Mr G&T! I would have loved FULL-SIZED candy bars! I think I'm taking my bag of reese's cups back and getting full sized chocolate bars. You have inspired me.

    After all, if these kids can go out in the snow to get their loot, then I can give them good loot!

  3. Lucky Red8:37 AM

    I still can't get my head around the religious LA? I trick and treated in my stomping grounds- what my Mom refered to as the "Catholic Getto"-everyone was Catholic- Irish, Italians-Polish- but never one religious item...boxes raisins were most certainly the work of satan but no chocolate had a strange hood Mr G. Very strange indeed.

  4. Brian, that's what happens when you trick or treat over at Tony Alamo's house!!
    (for those of you not from Southern California... he's one of these "religious figures" that for some reason believes the path to your soul can be reached by leaving tons of flyers on your car windshield.)

    Anyway - I'm surprised - I figured for Halloween, we'd get a selection of slutty Halloween costume shots.

  5. I'm sure by the end of today someone will come up with some sexy halloween costumes!

    And Mr. G&T good for you, spend the money, make your neighborhood'll be the house they all go to from now on.

  6. Mr G&T has always enjoyed being "that house" on Halloween. Besides, we live at the top of a hill with houses that are far apart. Any kid who makes the hike all the way up here deserves a decoration spectacle and a full sized bar.

    Make sure to give 2 bars each to the babysitting girls who always come as a team. They are way too old to go door-to-door except for the effort they put into it. Their Thing 1 & Thing 2 complete with synchronized juggling and a Seussian rhyme from a couple of years ago was sheer genius.

  7. Marge has a point. Photos submitted of sexy costumes will be posted.

    As for over-aged trick-or-treaters, I'll be handing out condoms to them...

  8. Way to spread the wealth around!!!

  9. Jesus, what are you doing up this late?

  10. bit o honeys were great! what's your problem? and abba zabbas were my favorite! also, there was an old lady in the hood who gave out wax harmonicas. the best.

    this year I handed out Miller Lites. seems to be the drink of choice for the kids who hang out on the stairs under the train tracks.


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