Monday, February 20, 2006

Same Time Tomorrow

Starbucks is taunting me.


The corporate purveyors of pretentious coffee have us by the short-n-curlies. We know it, they know it, but we all pretend it isn't so. "Addiction" is such a dirty word. It makes us feel weak, and generally, weakness- based guilt is bad for business. So, Starbucks keeps us distracted with unfathomably complicated menu concoctions and pleasant jazz-ish sounding pre-canned folksy music.

Their chairs are over-padded, the decor is warm and cozy, and no one pays attention to the 3:00 tic that you develop in your left eye if you aren't sipping on your third Venti-sized caffeine download. We're hooked on a drug, man, all of us, and the pusher just keeps us buzzed, dumb, and happy.

Until now.

As I drove the three blocks to my local Stabucks this morning to acquire their yuppie version of the Egg McMuffin, I had The Girl from Ipanema humming in my head. The manic java maidens buzzed busily behind the barista counter calling out ridiculous coffee orders and acting more important and desirable than they really were. I salivated with anticipation, thinking about the sausage and cheese that would soon be sliding down my throat.

My simple Grande Coffee (no room) warmed my hands as I waited. Wisps of snow continued to flutter about out the window.

Finally my name was called, and I stepped up to fetch my snack. But what did I see as they handed it to me? The semi-greasy and all-too-cheesy wax sandwich bag was folded over and taped shut to protect my meal from the elements. The tape was black with white printing that read: "Same time tomorrow? -Starbucks"

What the fuck? That wasn't an invitation. That was a command from our reptilian overlords. "You will have your coffee-needing ass back in this building at 3:05 pm tomorrow, or we will devour what is left of your crack-whore soul, Bitch! -Starbucks"

"Oh, and bring cash."

Jeez, no more pretense I guess. Just hustle our asses on the street to feed the monster. But what's the alternative? No grande half-caf mocha frapuchino?? No yuppie Egg McMuffin? No way! I'm a bitch, I admit it. I'll be back there same time tomorrow, and I wouldn't suggest getting in my way.


  1. Brian Smith9:06 AM

    Now come on Brian, what else are you addicted to? It sounds like a possible top ten list to me.

  2. I'm addicted to novacain. Can you hook me up?

  3. Brian smith9:40 AM

    I would suggest a vicoden with a lager chaser. But thats just me

  4. Just remember to floss afterward?

  5. I hate you - but you have heard that from me before - I now have "The Girl from Ipanema" playing over and over in my head.

  6. Welcome to my Hell

  7. If the Girl from Ipanema is giving you trouble, let me recommend something from Juan Garcia Esquivel - Space Age Bachelor Pad Music.

    As far as addictions go, I suppose the need for a half-mocha-double chino-venti-latte-arrabiata is better than that whole thing with the goats and jello with velcro thing you had going on a while ago. They don't have drive through access to that....
    At least nowhere outside of New Orleans.

  8. Hummmm....I wonder if Tom would agree that there is something better than goats and jello???

  9. Tall and tan and young and lovely, The girl from Ipanema goes walking, And when she passes, each one she passes goes "a-a-ah!"

  10. I've had the Girl From Ipanema stuck in my head all week. The Missus tells me that I was singing it to the monkey over the weekend, even though I have no conscious memory of it. Now I have planted the song in all of your heads. My work hereis done.

  11. The last time I had it in my head this bad was when I was 19 and went to Cabo for the weekend and downed many free margarita's from strangers to be free of it - I think that's the only cure - anyone want to meet me at Squid Row?

  12. I don't mind the song so much. It's the replay of the barista nightmare that pisses me off. Like far too many gen x-ers, I was a Starbucks barrista in college. Back at the original Pike Place Market store, when we could wear whatever the hell we wanted, there wasn't a "marketing department" and good ole Howard Schultz would have to come work the store during the Christmas rush. I still have dreams about it. Mostly about frantic, pissed off customers like Bri. But partly about "the simpler time." Like when I wasn't pregnant. That one was for you, anonymous.

  13. Anonymous1:33 PM

    There was a time when leah wasn't pregnant?

  14. I don't believe it - there was never a time where she wasn't pregnant.

    Even when the biology wasn't there, I think the mindset was.


  15. Brian's adopted lil sis4:36 PM

    You know, you should never cross a pregnant woman - hormones and all that..I'd be very scared

  16. Brian Smith4:44 PM

    Back in the day, Brian and I would sling frozen yogart at Penguin's. We both had an addiction to gummy bears. I think that was 1986

  17. No, at Penguins, I had an addiction for Dawn, our manager...

  18. a careful reader8:47 AM

    Do you take your breakfast at 3:05 in the afternoon? Too much G&T last night?


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