Same Time Tomorrow

Starbucks is taunting me.

Again...

The corporate purveyors of pretentious coffee have us by the short-n-curlies. We know it, they know it, but we all pretend it isn't so. "Addiction" is such a dirty word. It makes us feel weak, and generally, weakness- based guilt is bad for business. So, Starbucks keeps us distracted with unfathomably complicated menu concoctions and pleasant jazz-ish sounding pre-canned folksy music.

Their chairs are over-padded, the decor is warm and cozy, and no one pays attention to the 3:00 tic that you develop in your left eye if you aren't sipping on your third Venti-sized caffeine download. We're hooked on a drug, man, all of us, and the pusher just keeps us buzzed, dumb, and happy.

Until now.

As I drove the three blocks to my local Stabucks this morning to acquire their yuppie version of the Egg McMuffin, I had The Girl from Ipanema humming in my head. The manic java maidens buzzed busily behind the barista counter calling out ridiculous coffee orders and acting more important and desirable than they really were. I salivated with anticipation, thinking about the sausage and cheese that would soon be sliding down my throat.

My simple Grande Coffee (no room) warmed my hands as I waited. Wisps of snow continued to flutter about out the window.

Finally my name was called, and I stepped up to fetch my snack. But what did I see as they handed it to me? The semi-greasy and all-too-cheesy wax sandwich bag was folded over and taped shut to protect my meal from the elements. The tape was black with white printing that read: "Same time tomorrow? -Starbucks"

What the fuck? That wasn't an invitation. That was a command from our reptilian overlords. "You will have your coffee-needing ass back in this building at 3:05 pm tomorrow, or we will devour what is left of your crack-whore soul, Bitch! -Starbucks"

"Oh, and bring cash."

Jeez, no more pretense I guess. Just hustle our asses on the street to feed the monster. But what's the alternative? No grande half-caf mocha frapuchino?? No yuppie Egg McMuffin? No way! I'm a bitch, I admit it. I'll be back there same time tomorrow, and I wouldn't suggest getting in my way.