Sunday, February 19, 2006

President's Day

Monday, we celebrate the birth of two great men. A sort of two-fer holiday, because the powers-that-be are too cheap to spring for an extra February day-off. Not that I'll be resting on my laurels in the morning.

George Washington: Father of the Nation. Fought the French for the British in the French and Indian War. Then, kissed the collective French ass during the Revolution. Primitive dentures caused constant pain. Set the standard for presidential decorum and established traditional limitations on executive power.

Martha was a hottie. George, a land owner from Virginia, bought, sold and owned other human beings. The cherry tree story, by all historical accounts, was complete bullshit.

Abraham Lincoln: Defender of the union. Tended toward long-windedness. Suffered from unsightly gangly giganticism. Weighted down by an over-developed burdensome moral compass.

Mary Todd was, in the medical vernacular, "Tom-Cruise Loony." Abe's greatest achievement was probably sustaining enough political momentum in the North to wear the South into submission, thus preserving the cohesion of the Union. Most noted for freeing the slaves. Although, the Emancipation Proclamation was technically only effective in states, over which Abe had no jurisdiction or authority. Nice political gesture though.

Cage match: Abe had the reach, but George was scrappier with more hardened battle experience. I'd give early round to Lincoln, but one George moved inside, he'd punish Abe and end the bout quickly.

Advantage: Washington.

13 comments:

  1. Brian Smith9:00 AM

    My only solice in working today was to read the gin and tonic daily post and I get a fucking history lesson? Thanks Bri.Fucker.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Us Brits will never understand...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sorry Brian, if it makes you feel better, I'm working too. If you have a request, I'll post some eye candy.

    Lisa, you people celebrate Guy Fawks Day, for god's sake. What's so hard to understand about President's Day?? Are you sore because George chased the Red Coats into the sea, signaling the end of the British Empire? Just a theory...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nah, I'm jealous cos you lot got rid of the English, something us Welsh have been trying to do for centuries.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Brian Smith9:27 AM

    No, I expect you to creatively amuse me every day without requests.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I could do some puppetry of the penis for you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I respectfully disagree. Lincoln had reach, but also previous experience in his younger years in hand-to-hand combat. Washington's combat experience involved weaponry, and was usually mounted (don't go there). So I give it to Lincoln, unless weapons are involved. Then I give it to Harry Truman, for obvious reasons.

    ReplyDelete
  8. OK, Dave says Abe takes George. fine, but what about Abe Lincoln vs. a Bear?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Abe DID have the reach, and the experience from his logging days - but George would prove scrappy, especially when he takes the teeth out...

    Now, if it was Quail hunting.. (Surprisingly, so few Quayle jokes on this...)

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think Millard Fillmore could take them both....

    ReplyDelete
  11. Only because he's been dead less. Zombie President Fighting Challenge. I'm really glad we haven't lost our touch.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Well if it came down to Dead President Fighting Challenge, my shiny penny is on Un-Dead Teddy Roosevelt and his big-stick of voodoo.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Huh huh. He said "big stick."

    ReplyDelete

Be compelling.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.