Monday, February 27, 2006

And The Winner Is...

Wow, most of the submissions were really very funny. Some were obviously not very good, and I was embarrassed for you. Most, though, did a very good job.

While I'd like to buy all of the contributors a drink, I am, quite frankly, far too cheap. Therefore, without further ado, I present the winner:

Well, actually, before we get to the winner, I'd like to announce the Honorable Mention award. This award, of course, comes with no prize, but still I felt it was worthy of highlight:

Amanda wrote:
Barista girl: "I, like all normal people, have ONE belly button."
Brian: (incredulously) "Really? Just one?"

I liked this submission because Amanda was able to use irony to create a laugh at my expense, while spotlighting my actual physical deformity. This submission did not take first place only because the second-bellybutton reference was too obscure, and not everyone would get it.

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for. I present to you, THE WINNER!!!

...Well, hold on, just one more thing. Before we get to the big winner, I'd like to present the Runner-Up Award:

Leah wrote:
"It's only that big?"
"Yup. Only that big."

Once again, the dialogue technique was used in conjunction with the details of the photo. Leah used vague innuendo at the expense of my fragile masculine ego. She surprisingly did not resort to obvious graphic jargon. The casual generality made me giggle.

OK, no more delay. This is it. It is time. After a lengthy and frustrating system of comparison and elimination, involving a red pen, scissors, and a glass of scotch, I have narrowed my favorite submissions to one. This is it. Here we go. Are you ready?

Deuce wrote:
"Okay, now guess what this finger smells like!"

I have often proposed playing the "Sniff the Finger" game. Hell, I may have proposed it to the poor girl in the photo. Deuce's one-liner was suggestively dirty and conspiratorial. The highlight of the word "This" creatively implied that the other finger had already been sniffed. Deuce wins the contest. We'll work out the drink-buying in due course.

congratulations to Deuce, and congratulations to all of you, you're all winners (Except Carl) in my book!


  1. I can't win shit lately; this, the powerball, Olympic Men's Figure Skating - what the hell.

  2. I want to thank Jesus. And the Muppets. And Edgar Winter.

  3. I can't tell if I'm more happy that Dave won - or that Tom didn't win........hmmmmmm

  4. Jesus told me to tell you, you're welcome.

  5. I suspect you chose Deuce because you're a cheap bastard and under the rules of your contest it is unlikely that you will ever have to pay up.

  6. Brian Smith5:29 PM

    I think Dave won because he has special insight to the aroma of Brian's fingers.

  7. I just know why baristas spit in Brian's drinks.

  8. You have to pay them extra for that.

  9. I can say with absolute certainty that I never want to borrow one of Brian's pens...


Be compelling.

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