Monday, December 08, 2008

Brilliant Tradition

My finger tips didn't exactly turn black, but they were certainly numb. The arches of me feet, resting upon the narrow rung of the ladder, started to ache.

The sun was on free-fall toward the horizon, and visibility under the eves was poor.

I had made good progress, and was only about three feet from completion, but I had to stop. I would finish on Sunday.

I lifted the ladder out of the cursed rhododendrons, and stood back to survey the handiwork.

I was steaming.

No, not angry-steaming. No, I was literally emitting steam. I was hot and sweaty, yet the air around me was near freezing. steaming vapors poured off me like I was a little tea pot, short and stout...

I set the ladder down and looked at the long straight row of fake plastic icicle lights, stapled to the support beams of my roof. There were plastic expandable net-lights on the shrubs and a ribbon of plastic pearl lights on the porch.

I stood silently, thinking, and I wondered to myself, "why the fuck do we do this??"

Every goddamn year I risk my life up on the ladder, loosing feeling in my fingers to string lights on my house to celebrate a co-opted pagan holiday that was re-ordained to commemorate the birth of some deity that I don't even believe in.

Sure, the kids like it. And really, that's the only excuse I need. And don't get me wrong, i enjoy it too. But why cheap plastic low-voltage twinkle lights? How did that start? Why not just adorn the roof with a row of crucified chipmunks? It would make as much sense.

OK, that would probably smell bad after a few days.

The tree, I get. Druid tradition ripped off by the Catholics. And the lights on the tree are safer than the traditional tree candles. No problem. I get that one.

But where did the house lights come from? Is that another crappy American creation, like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer??

Maybe it's a landing strip for Santa, which he apparently needs. I mean last year, I didn't bother to buy gifts for my kids, and Santa totally overlooked our place. The kids cried and I was totally pissed off. Santa sucks...

But anyway...

The lights are now up, and fully operational. The kids can see them from their windows. On foggy nights, they shine like a beacon down the street. Santa now knows where to land, and no chipmunks were harmed in the writing of this Lounge post.

12 comments:

  1. I hope you have good Life insurance in case you fall and break your neck! At least thats what I say to my husband!

    And thats why woman are smart and make their husbands climb up those narrow ladders and walk along the wet rooflines with lights in one hand and a staple gun in the other!

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  2. Smart husbands hire cheap illegal alien labor to put up the lights.

    That way there is no risk of personal injury and any accidental deaths can be covered up without someone being missed.

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  3. KIDDING! I was just trying to deflect some of the douchebag comments away from you.

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  4. SCROOGE! Santa did not visit your house last year? What kind of dad are you?

    The lights look nice though.

    On a side note, Dr. B, that picture is just disgusting. I hope you're gonna fix that person's teeth sometime soon.

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  5. What are you talking about? That is the after picture...

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  6. You are a terrible dentist Dr. B, I'm glad I don't live in Cali, that's all I can say! Yuck.

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  7. Are We Talking About Lights or Teeth here You Two? LOL

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  8. Thank God for Mal-practice insurance.

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  9. And the attorneys and staff that help your sorry ass!

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  10. product liability3:59 PM

    Gutter clips. Cheap, easier to use than staple gun, reuseable even. For the lazy, they make ones you attach to the gutter/shingles with a pole so your feet never leave the ground.

    Aren't you lawyers any good? If you were you could sue the ladder manufacturers, roofing/gutter materials manufacturers, and even the installers for falling off your roof.

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  11. Product Liability: The insurance defense lawyers would find wrong in what the person did and there'd be a shitty settlement, but hey, it keeps Mr. G&T and I in jobs, sue away people, sue away

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  12. Shitty settlements make the world go around...

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Be compelling.

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