Wednesday, September 10, 2008


There is a Negligible possibility that you and every one and everything that you know may blink out of existence on October 21. The risk is small, thank heavens!

Although, that "small" risk has been calculated to be about the same as winning the lottery.

"But wait!" you may ask, "doesn't someone usually win the lottery?"

Well, sadly, yes.

See, this little group of European scientists, called CERN (European Center for Nuclear Research) has built a 27 kilometer-long tunnel 150 meters below the ground. Inside the tunnel is billions and billions of dollars of scary science shit, intended to shoot beams of super-charged atoms toward each other at roughly the speed of light.

Sounds cool, and the whole damn thing went on-line today.

Except, the point is to recreate the conditions and particles that existed within the first few nano-moments after the Big Bang.

Yes, I know what you are thinking. The Big Bang was in fact an infinitely large explosion in which unfathomable energy was converted at once into all of the matter in the known universe.

Yes, and they are attempting to do it again, so to speak, in Switzerland.

Not to worry though, as it seems 8,000 physicists have been consulted on the project, and MOST assume there is only this SMALL risk of a mishap.

What sort of mishap?

Well, there is a very tiny, but very real chance that a quantum singularity could develop there in the tunnel. This is, of course, also known as a Black Hole. An object so dense with such irresistible gravitational force that nothing, not even light can escape.

There is a black hole already at the center of our local galaxy, and it has the strength to hold billions of solar systems, like our own, in orbit. Should a second black hole develop out here in the backwaters of the Milky Way, it would not be warmly welcomed.

First, the Earth, your home, would be ripped inside out and slurped like pudding into a tiny black pinprick where Switzerland used to be. Next, the inner planets, Mars, Mercury, Venus, if they were on this side of the sun, would get sucked in. Then the Sun itself, followed by the outer planets, comets, asteroids and the entire Kyber Belt, all sucked in like soup...

Other bad stuff would then happen, which would not matter because you wouldn't exist anymore.

Apart from the Black Hole, there is also the possibility of particles called "Strangelets" being released, which would instantly turn the Earth into a lifeless chunk of super dense charcoal.

Also, theoretically, there is a risk of the creation and release of anti-matter, which, as its name suggests, doesn't play well with matter, which is what you and I are made of.

The scientists are scheduled to start crashing protons together on October 21.

Still though, MOST of the scientists guarantee us a lottery-odds chance of survival. And THAT allows me to sleep much better.


  1. Do I sense some remorse coming on?

  2. Dude, I published this thing like 30 seconds ago, and you already commented?? Are you really THAT gay for me??

  3. gat ramone11:48 PM

    boys boys play nice

  4. I thought it was especially neat that the physicist counting down from five had trouble with the number two.

  5. I'm almost rooting for the black hole simply to disappoint all of the Christian fundamentalists longing for Jesus.

  6. As usual, Calculus Boy, your math isn't particularly good. Yes, "Someone always wins the lottery", but you're skewing the data - it's as possible as you personally winning the lottery. Today. Without buying a ticket.

    A better probability exists in you being on the Tonight Show. Tonight, as a matter of fact. However, to argue the point...being on Leno won't cause your existence to be sucked into a black hole for all eternity. It will just feel that way.

  7. You are such a 'tard.

    We gonna dig us up some Higgs baby!

    It's all good.

  8. Stephen Hawking10:44 AM

    [metalic voice] I have 100 bucks that says there is no Higgs Boson particle.

  9. On the plus side - it will make all that worry about Hurricane Ike seem kind of silly....

  10. black hole6:28 PM

    You all are toast.


Be compelling.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.