Monday, March 06, 2006

Panda Attack

The Giant Panda, demonic carnivor of the East, is man's most-cunning natural enemy. Over 26,000 deaths are caused by Panda attack each year. Massive uncontrolled herds of feral Panda roam the Asian wilds, devouring Orangutan, Bison, Zebra, Brush Boar, Musk Rats, Parakeets, villagers, Badgers, Platypus, Caribou, Goats, Llamas and any other animal that crosses their path.

Heretofore, the 100,000,000-man Chinese army has been unable to coral the the monochrome menace. With shark-like teeth and natural armor plating, the panda is nature's ultimate weapon. The giant Panda's claws, on average, are the size of ferocious blood-dripping honeydew melons. A full grown male Panda has enough strength to rip a major-metropolitan phone book in half.

Pandas, like their close-cousin, the Orca, can breath under water like fish. This means that a full-scale amphibious panda attack on the shores of America is not only a possibility, it's an all-out immanent potentiality!

It is, therefore, my distinct pleasure to present the All-New 2006 Gin&Tonic Lounge Panda Attack Survival guide:

1. Don't go to China.

2. If you must go to China, purchase Panda insurance.

3. Once you enter China, purchase a large firearm on the black market (nothing less than a .44)

4. Hire a team of delicious little Chinese children to surround you where ever you wander.

5. If you spot a Panda, shoot it. This will likely anger the Panda, but hey, how many times in your life will you get to see an enraged Panda spouting blood like a fountain!

6. Once the bear sets his hate-filled wrathful predator sites on your meaty flank, run away. Quickly! As an adult, you will outrun the children you purchased, and the bear will come across them first. (Don't feel bad, it's nature's way..)

7. If the Panda greedily feasts his way through your defenses and you find yourself cornered, raise your arms over your head, and in a very friendly voice say: "Hello Mr. Panda, I respect you and your home. Sorry for the gunshot wound. I'll be leaving now." Then, slowly back away. Of course, for this to work you need to say it in Chinese.

Of course if the Panda attack occurs here in the US, throw your Venti-double-shot-half-caf-extra-soy-foam-no-whip at him to blind him. Then jump into your Land Rover and run the shit over him, over and over again. The Land Rover is the Panda's only natural enemy. If you don't run him down, the Panda will use his keen prescient sense to track you down and eat your family.

Goddamned Pandas.

Remember, Guns don't kill Pandas, I do.


  1. I copied this post and gave it to my kid to submit for her second grade report on Pandas tomorrow at school.

    FYI - Girls as old as 18 and 19 seem to work well, or at least I have yet to be attacked by Pandas on my visits. Just to be safe I may get a few extra next month.

    Thanks for the info.

  2. Great instead of Girl from Ipanema in my head I have Muskrat are so the devil.

  3. sigh - even pandas get more action than I do.....

  4. This appears to be a black and white issue...

    yuck yuck yuck

  5. You may want to consider a decaffinated brand. There are some that are JUST as tasty....


Be compelling.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.