Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Oregano

I've decided to go with a theme for the week. Officially, I declare this Dave Week. All blogs will be either by Dave, about Dave, or merely tangentially related to Dave. He's submitted one guest post already, and here is another:

(my notes are in italics)

OREGANO
-by Dave

Kids in junior high are stupid. No, don't pretend your junior high school kids aren't stupid. They probably are. I may have never met them, but they're probably stupid. I have good evidence to support this, surprisingly enough. Your kids are stupid because you were stupid at that age, too. Yes you were. Go look at the photos, we'll wait.

::pauses::

See? You look stupid.

(Dave is on the money here. In the 7th grade, I looked like Peter Brady, Dave looked like a cute little cartoon tiger and Dr. Brian looked like the unfortunate little sister on Little House on the Prairie...)

Don't worry about it, though. We're all stupid at that age. It's something about that awkward phase between leaving the childhood of grade school that still includes recess, kickball and nap time; and transcending into the pseudo-adulthood of high school with barely contained sexual repression, cigarettes in the parking lot and learner's permits. Your identity is shot to hell, you don't understand the world you're in and you're stupid! I know this, because I was stupid. Yes sir, most definitely was I stupid. So was Mr. G&T. We all were. It could be argued we still are, but rarely would we perform the questionable acts of a junior high schooler now in the emeritus years of our middle age… like try to smoke oregano.

(which is stupid because EVERYONE knows that Coriander will get you fucked up.)

We had a weird little coterie of associates in junior high school, much more so than now. And the infamous Mark the Shark was infamous for having these weird sleepover birthday parties that in hindsight, seem stranger now than they did at the time. No, no. Nobody touched another person's penis. (speak for yourself) At least as far as I know. But Mark would invite about eight or so junior high school guys over to his mom's apartment, and we would stay awake until all hours of the night watching crap movies, talk about stupid things and try to pull pranks on one another.

(Then, we would do each other's hair and have a big pillow fight in our hello-kitty panties...)

I don't remember who thought it was a good idea. But someone thought it would be funny to convince everyone else that there were drugs at the party. We were junior high school dweebs in the suburbs – we were lucky if we had No-Doz, but someone grabbed a container of finely cut oregano, stuck it into a lunch baggie and tried to convince everyone else it was marijuana.

I don't think any of us had ever SEEN marijuana at that age, but we *thought* we knew what it looked like – green dried plant in a plastic bag.

(Everything I knew, I learned from Sonny Crockett.)

Like I said, stupid. And yes, Brian – you were at this party. This was before the advent of COPS, where all of America was thrust into a crash course on what drugs really look like. At the time however, to an idiot, oregano passed for marijuana. Or so we thought.

So of course, this turned into a question of validity. One person said it was fake, another said it was real, then the roles would switch and the other person claimed it fake while the others said it was real. We did this for about an hour. Finally, someone came to the brilliant conclusion that the only to verify its validity was to smoke it. Cheech and Chong, we weren't.

(We also tried to shoot up some brown sugar and snort some Bisquick.)

Now, if we're stupid enough to think oregano is marijuana, you know we're not smart enough to roll a joint, OR even know what a real joint looks like. However, we did realize that we needed paper, white paper of some sort.

So, quickly, a sheet of 8x11 notebook paper was presented, and we did our best to roll it into something we thought was somewhat joint-like. On reflection, it looked like rolled up notepaper paper, crumbled on each end with oregano sticking out of it. But we were very proud of it.

(I was more scared than proud. I was certain Jesus would not approve of this activity.)

Now who would be the one to test it out? Mark's friend, Dan, proved to be the bravest and I believe he lit the end from the kitchen stove. (Dan!) It did not burn very well, but Dan swore he was getting a buzz from it as burning bits of oregano fell to the kitchen linoleum. (Who's making Calzone??)

No one else dared try. The next day, Mark's mom didn't know about the whole fake joint incident, (I'm sure she was having her own real one) but I think she was wondering when we ordered a pizza, because the kitchen smelled of burnt oregano.

So we were stupid. And you were stupid. And your kids are probably stupid, too. It's not their fault. It's just that time of life. (So, Dave's post goes on a bit here with some melodramatic sophistry. It was kind of a drag, so I cut the last part. Instead, here is a photo of a fabulous ass...)



27 comments:

  1. Great ending to Dave's story.

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  2. And that my friends is why I will never do a guest post. Mr. Gin and Tonic can't stand anyone else getting any attention as has to put in his 2 cents.

    Its sad really.

    Good Job Dave. I guess I missed those slumber parties hanging out with Adam, Bill and Thanh.

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  3. OK, who took the picture of my ass?

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  4. And that my friends is why I will never do a guest post. Mr. Gin and Tonic can't stand anyone else getting any attention as has to put in his 2 cents.

    (What are you saying? I can share the attention

    Its sad really.

    ( OK, yes it is...

    Good Job Dave. I guess I missed those slumber parties hanging out with Adam, Bill and Thanh.

    (Didn't those guys used to make you wear a dress and punch you until you cried?)

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  5. Hello Kitty9:21 AM

    The pillow fight never ends until someone pees!

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  6. the panty9:22 AM

    Too bad you didn't have a girl with you. Tampax wrappers are a great substitute for zig zag.

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  7. There was some rumor that Mark's brother and Eric Starkey's brother did cross swords at one of these infamous sleep overs.

    It could just be made up though like the story of Greg Greeno and the sheep.

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  8. Lucky for me I went to slumber parties with the real thing. Tampax wrappers work great but nothing compares to zig zag paper.

    Diva you know that was my ass!

    And Dave I liked your post despite Brian's interruptions. Good job, though I do now question you all. Boys had sleepovers?

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  9. After a three day "sleepover" in Waikiki, I am about to board a plane to Japan.

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  10. Bring back some hello kitty undies from Japan for everyone. We need to replenish our stocks.

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  11. Yes inog all the lounge ladies need Hello Kitty panties. We'll all be expecting a pair.

    Great idea Tatiyana!

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  12. Inog, if you bring them all back some Hello Kitty gear, will there be a photo contest involving them?

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  13. Germany2:33 PM

    Dave: 8.9
    G&T: 3.4

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  14. Mr G and T's grandmother2:38 PM

    Well I, for one, absolutely loved G&T's delightful comments. I think mr. G&T is just a fucking genius. I could have read just the brilliant notes in italics and have been perfectly content with this blog.

    Dave makes me sad. I'll pray for him.

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  15. If we all get Hello kitty panties, can you make sure I get a matching bra?

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  16. For the record, I am NOT accepting submissions of Hello Kitty panty pictures.

    I am especially NOT accepting them at mrginandtonic@gmail.com

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  17. I have to agree with Lisa, we need matching bras!! And we promise to not send pictures......

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  18. Yes if inog brings us panties we won't send photos. I mean it doesn't sound like you're even having a submission. Oh, and inog size medium please.

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  19. Do you think Sanrio makes Hello Kitty bras in cup sizes larger than AA.

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  20. Dr. Brian, if anyone knows the answer to Tytainya's question, it would be you.

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  21. If you're sending in new photo submissions, since Mr G&T isn't accepting them, you can forward them directly to me.

    Hello Kitty or not!

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  22. What? No comment from the sheep?

    Great job Dave - and you get a whole week. Can't wait to hear more.

    Maybe a story about you guys and your teen hat fetish. Notice how a lot of these stories have someone wearing a hat?
    Of course - not much has changed in that department.

    Love the stories! Not one mention of me though - so sad. Then again maybe a good thing.

    Yammer.

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  23. I think the Hello Kitty panties contest should be limited to entries from the Lounge Lads. We need some humor on this blog.

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  24. If the lads would agree to participate that'd be a great idea Fred but do you remember how much Dr. B balked at the panty submissions? I kinda doubt anyone will participate except for polk a dot boy that is.

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  25. I have a collection. I am keeping it. Thank you.

    An my collection was "earned."

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  26. Touring Bangkok the hard way this time, Inog?

    BTW, I stopped by your office on Wednesday, it's real nice of you and Tytainya to let your office girls work topless like that...

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  27. Anonymous9:07 AM

    They do make hello kitty bras in a larger size.

    ReplyDelete

Be compelling.

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