This Day in History

November 24:

380 AD - Emperor Theodosius, the last Roman Emperor to rule a united Roman empire, enters Constantinople and assumes power. Theo immediately decrees that Christianity is the official state religion of the empire, thus guaranteeing 2,000 years of death, torture, war, genocide, ignorance and corruption. Under his rule, church administrators vote to accept all three members of the Trinity as God, setting up Saint Patrick, many years later, to deliver his Shamrock sermon, which forever guaranteed our right to drink green beer on March 17.

1859 - Charles Darwin publishes The Origin of the Species. Unfortunately, the book contained too many big words and not enough colorful pop-up pictures, which leads American fundamentalists to stop picking fleas off of each other, put down their bananas, and pound their chests in fury. It then takes these superstitious baboons another 150 years to think up the "theory" of intelligent design, a scientific-sounding doctrine, (it has big words!) that says: "Look, the universe and all of that science stuff is really complicated and hard to understand, so it must have been created by the judeo-christian god." Please believe, W is days away from appropriating funding to "study" this "theory."

1963 - Jack Ruby shoots Lee Harvey Oswald. Five years later, the Mafia, with the help of the CIA and the Cubans, give Ruby cancer to shut him up.

2005 - Tom Cruise announces that he purchased his own ultrasound machine so he can constantly monitor the fetus growing inside of Katie. Surprisingly, Tom also admitted that he does not actually have medical training. You know, while questionably-homosexual Tom was entertaining a few years ago, I'm really enjoying the freaky psycho obsessive slow-decline-into-madness Tom much more.