Don't Panic

Chinese Scientists (who knew they had scientists...) recently announced that they have calculated the size of the super-massive black hole at the center of our very own Milky Way Galaxy. And the results? Right, the diameter of the black hole, from which no matter or light is able to escape, happens to be equal to the distance from Earth to the center of the sun. Did you get that? The diameter (distance from side to side) of the voracious black orb, around which our galaxy orbits, is equal to the radius of our planet's own orbit around the sun.

Still not getting it? Here let me draw you a picture. Let's say you are the Earth. Then, the Black hole would be an 8-Ball roughly the size of Australia, rolling directly toward you at about a million miles per hour.

We're doomed.

That having been said, and after much consideration, I have decided to fuck it all. I quit. I give up. I surrender. I'm buying a minivan and an entire wardrobe of velour sweat pants and sweatshirts. No more work. No more paying taxes. No more Social Security. All of those helpless elderly government-tit suckers can kiss my apocalyptically hedonistic ass.

I'm going to live in a tree house in the woods.

I'm going to subsist on a strict diet of massaman curry, General Tso's Chicken, negisaba rolls, mandarin oranges, and beer. (Oh wait, I already do that.)

I'm going to watch nothing but really filthy hardcore porn all day, everyday, in the tree house.

I'm going to drink Scotch all day long too. Good scotch, like Oban or Bunnahabhain. I'm going to carry it around with me in a recycled McDonald’s soft drink cup. I'm going to drink it with a straw.

No more showers, no more haircuts, no more shaving, no more laundry. I will live in a bathrobe and moccasin slippers.

I will increase my tobacco habit to three cigars per day and smoke a pipe in between.

Come and get me Universe! Here I am Mr. Black Hole! You can have my crystal scotch decanter when you pry it from my cold dead hands, you super-massive quantum singularity son-of-a-bitch. I don't fear you!

OK, actually I do.