Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Dead Hooker

As the dead hooker lay naked at my feet, I tucked my enormous tattooed penis back into my leopard-print jockeys…

See, that’s a hook. That’s the way to lead off a blog entry. That’s how you get readers to read more.

For the better part of an hour, I’ve been surfing blogs. (Blurfing?) (Slurging?) (Splorging?) I’ve been scoping out the competition, lurking in corners, handing candy out to kids, luring others back here to the lounge. I feel like a whore, sort of creepy and dirty, but in a fun way.

Anyway, in my splorfing expedition, I came to a few realizations. The following are a few tips and guidelines, for me and for other bloggers:

1) Never, ever, for any reason, at anytime, use the word “Musings” in, on or around your blog. As soon as I see that word (over-used most often in the blog sub-title) I will know that you are a mindless git with no hope of ever having anything interesting to say, and I will click the back button before reading the next line, which will surely read, “These are the things going on in my life.”

2) Discussing the minute-by-minute play-by-play of Karl Rove’s life for the past 8 years does not constitute political discourse, and certainly does not make you Matt Drudge.

3) While all 12-year-old girls seem to have unimaginable HTML coding and web design skills, they all need to spend a little more time working on their typing skills.

4) Blog in English. Ya, I know, people in other countries speak other languages. However, that just seems silly these days. If it was good enough for Ghandi, it’s good enough for you. Besides, I’m not reading your post if you write it in Swahili or Spanish, or whatever…

5) Blog Porn seems to be particularly good. Keep it up.

6) I don’t want to read a three paragraph activity log of your day at work/home/school. I had my own day at work/home/school and I don’t think yours was any more interesting/boring/traumatizing than mine. So, tell me something interesting. I want to be entertained. Tell us all a story. Or at least show us your boobs.

7) As mentioned above, use a hook. This goes for all writing. If you start off by saying, “Ugh, what a boring day” or “I’m sleepy, I don’t really have anything to say,” you would be better not to write at all. At those times, you would be much better off to post a picture of a scantily clad Christina Ricci.

8) If you are doing a geek-fest blog on something way cool, like the new Battlestar Galactica, remember, discourse is good, spoilers are OK, but Fan Fiction is GAY. And when I say “gay,” I don’t mean “gay” in the perfectly acceptable homosexual way. No, I mean “gay” in that “I’m going to kick your poofy-haired imitation-Jordache-jeans-wearing gay ass after school behind the dairy, you 14-year-old Care-Bear-lunch-box-carrying freak of unholy nature” sort of way.

9) Pictures of your baby are cute. Hell, pictures of my baby are cute. Just, for the love of Pete, don’t give out your baby’s full name. Make up a nickname for internet use, Howler Monkey, for instance. It is good to post a photo and say, “Look at cute little Poopy-Bear.” On the other hand, it is not good to say, “Look at cute little Juan Phillipe DeLagarza of 2355 West Polo Lane, Miami Beach, Florida.”

Oh, and remember to use suspense to bring readers back... Remember to come back tomorrow, and I’ll tell you more about the dead hooker…

12 comments:

  1. I don't care about the dead hooker, I want to know whats tattooed on your penis - now that's entertainment

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  2. A life-size portrait of a bull elephant.

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  3. Bravo! Splendid post. Though, with regard to the "I'm sleepy/I'm bored" posts, let's not forget this.

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  4. I know where Howler Monkey lives. I know her full name, her date of birth and where she goes to daycare. What are you gonna give me to keep quiet? And don't threaten to expose my kids. You can have 'em.

    Hee hee.

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  5. Abestis makes a valid point, although, by the second sentence, I had already used the hook-work "Drunk."

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  6. As for Leah, what if I staple your lower lip to your forehead? That ought to shut you up.

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  7. Sorry I couldn't get the line - "I feel like a whore, sort of creepy and dirty, but in a fun way." out of my head. I swear I have said this before - if not - I have thought it.

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  8. Haha. All good points! Blog world would much improve if it had more posts with hook-ers.

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  9. 10. Don't forget the pictures, for fuck sakes don't forget the pictures! If I wanted to read 5 paragraphs about anything I'd read a book. I'm on the internet, I need images of Micky humping Mini, drunken coeds and let us not forget this gem

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  10. mmm... drunken coeds... aarrggghh...

    Margus has made an excellent point. One good picture equals a thousand dead hookers, or something like that. Please note that Margus's picture-filled blog has been added to the Lounge link list.

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  11. BWAHAHAH!
    one picture = 1000 hookers. I need to write that down.

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  12. What if your child looks like this guyis his father? Is it OK to post his identifying information then?

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Be compelling.

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