No Tso, You know?

There is a restaurant in Portland, in the heart of China Town, located on the second floor of a building dedicated to retail Asian import detritus. To reach the food, you must climb grime-stained steps past a full-length mirror; behind which you know the Chinese mafia is waiting with guns drawn protecting their horde of opium.

The stairwell smells of a rancid combination between urine, Pine Sol, and chow mein. The place has a name, but I don't know what it is. I've been going there for five years. I do not know what it is called. My friends and I call it simply "Bad Chinese Buffet," or just "Bad Chinese" for short. And it's bad! It sucks, but it's cheap, and it's a buffet. 3 times out of 5, it makes me sick, but those 2 times out of 5 when it doesn't, mmmm... Buffet.... know what I'm saying?

So, time passes, and every once and a while I get a hankerin, deep, deep in my gullet for the bad Chinese, and today was one of those days. I called around, but none of my buddies were available for lunch, so I was left on my own.

Now, Bad Chinese is downtown, and I work all the way out on the outskirts. The drive is only about 12 minutes or so, but on lunch break, that can be an eternity, and without a lunch companion, the drive is barely worth the Har Gow, the Char Siu Bao, or even the Siu Mai. Thus, today, I decided to try something different.

I cracked-open the yellow pages and found another Chinese buffet, not but a stone's throw from my office. Panda Buffet, on Highway 99, in Tigard!

Let me just say, the phrase "Bad Chinese" now has a whole new meaning. How can you make General Tso's Chicken taste like a turkey sandwich? I ask you!! Every pan was either empty or full of something disgusting. I ended up with a plate full of egg rolls, fried pork bits, and red Jell-O. My second helping (hey, I was hungry!) consisted of more re-heated egg rolls and a salad consisting of iceberg lettuce and watered-down ranch dressing.

And cleanliness?? I'm not convinced that the Health Department knows about this place. I certainly doubt that they have ever visited, let alone inspected. I fear I may die.

So, at least the old Bad Chinese Buffet had some redeeming qualities, and I will continue to return, at least until the MSG catches up with me. As for the new place? Well, let's just say if you read about a Chinese restaurant in Tigard getting firebombed, I know nothing about it.