Monday, November 21, 2005

Fanning the Flames

Enough already. Enough! Put your pencils down, the test is over. Now, get out.

Look, I know that the world is a big place, and there is really room for everyone. I am especially accepting when it comes to the questionably-kinky or the morally-impaired. Those are really my people. They put the bee in my bonnet, so to speak.

Geeks too. I love you guys. I've always sort of orbited the Geek-sphere. I mostly enjoy the geeky-avocations. I speak geek. I wander casually through the streets of geekopolis, not quite a resident and not quite a tourist.

My problem is, mostly, that I get a chronic case of the screaming heebie jeebies when the two groups cross paths. I am sickened and annoyed by their unholy offspring. I am repulsed by the abomination that is, Fan Fiction. [Cue: dramatic music]

I mean, can I not just enjoy my book, movie or television show without some socially-retarded 38-year-old 350-pound virgin writing their own Penthouse letter about it?? I don’t need to read about Harry’s tender bathe time with Ron. I can live happily without reading about Spock using the Vulcan love-grip on Kirk. I certainly don’t need to read about Commander Adama making sweet love to anything or anyone.

I mean, if you think you have talent, apply for a job as a staff writer. Please, though, enough of the naked-Jedi lightsaber duels, the Buffy-Willow pillow fights, and the Clark-Lex-Lana three-ways. Really, I can’t take it any more!

Why can't these fan-fic-Faulkners target the mediocre family friendly fare out there? Why don't we see amature smut written about CSI, Law and Order, or Martha Stewart! (No, really, why isn't there smut written about Martha?? I'd read it...) Why is the information superhighway littered with these unavoidable bags of shit? All of you fan fic purveyors out there should be coralled into one far-off distant sector of the internet, and abandoned there.

Well, all of you, except that one lonely hairy warthog of a woman, busy writing about Martha pole-dancing for Donald. You can stay.

Alright. Thanks for letting me rant.


  1. Anonymous4:52 PM

    That picture of Kirk and Spock is going to haunt my nightmares for days. Ew.

  2. that was the point...

  3. Kirk/Spock love? Um, that is repulsive. Could you forward the website to me? and hurry please...

  4. You know in the good fan fiction Spock makes Kirk his bitch and just uses his ass. Treating him like dirt and degrading him between Vulcan super-hormone driven violent ass poundings.

    Spock taking it in the ass from Kirk? That is just dumb.

  5. Anonymous8:18 PM

    So is that Clark, Lex, Lana - "Smallville" or Clark, Lex, Lana "Superman" - because one has hot young studs and the other involves Gene Hackman naked - and I think I can safely say - one is yummy and the other - kinda high on the "Ewwww" factor.

    But yet again you think Martha is Gene Hackman does it for you too?

  6. I hear that Gene Hackman gives a damn-fine Shiatsu...

  7. Oh, come on Brian. You're just bitter that you can't find any Hermione/Ginny fic.


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