Wednesday, November 09, 2005

That's Hot

Paris Hilton is more beautiful than you. It's a sad fact, but you just have to face it. Her life is substantially better than yours in almost every way imaginable. She will always have more money than you. She will always be more popular. She will always have more friends. She will eat better than you, and she will drink better than you. She will see more places than you, and she will always be having more fun than you.

She will have more good sex than you will ever fantasize about. Overall, she will receive more pleasure in more ways than you will ever read, hear, or think about. She will have better medical care than you will ever be able to afford, and will likely live longer than you. She will live in complete splendor and comfort every day for the rest of her unnaturally long life.

And all of this simply because she was born. Well, have a nice day.


  1. Amanda10:11 AM

    And yet, I will still manage to match my face to my d├ęcolletage, something Miss Hilton can't seem to manage. The other obvious benefit of not being her is that I know the definition, the correct spelling, and the pronunciation of words that require more than two syllables. Of course I'm bitter.

  2. Aw, but look at what poor Ms. Hilton has to go through....she can't even be in a car crash in peace.

  3. Anonymous12:08 PM

    I'm not bitter. I wouldn't want to her.
    Fewer people hate me. And, those who do probably have a good reason. People hate Paris for her mere existence.
    I don't own an ugly rat dog. Which also means I will never have to demean myself by shopping in a dog boutique.
    I don't require an assistant/nanny to read books to me.
    Honestly, there is no proof that Paris is having better sex than anyone else.
    My feet will never be so big that they could double for flippers.
    And, the chick has no ass.

  4. bitter bitter bitter...

    I wish I had a nanny to read to me.

  5. She does too have an ass. Here... take a look.

    That would be ass... flaps.

  6. Maybe so, but at least I never circulated a video of myself having sex with some Bradley Nowell wannabee to get there.

    I can live with never knowing what it's like to pay $50 for a gin & tonic. I don't even care if it's some sort of Hendricks that make you hallucinate.

  7. Anonymous10:43 PM

    Yeah but poor Paris will never know the joy of finding a twenty in her winter coat jacket, not being a cartoon on South Park, or the joy of 10 of $10 of her favorite canned fruit.

  8. Who cares about 10 for $10 when you can buy children to go pick fresh mandarin oranges for you? And while it is nice to find $20 in your pocket, I'm sure she regularly finds deeds to small countries in hers.

    I've never had a $50 gin-and-tonic, but it has to be better than the well-gin that I drank at the Boom Boom Room tonight...

    Ok, the ass-flaps were kind of weird...


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