Thursday, November 17, 2005

Mens Rea

I would like to commit a crime.

Now hold on, I don't mean a violent crime. I'm not going to crawl in through your bedroom window in the middle of the night or anything like that. Well, on second thought, maybe I will. Are you wearing sexy panties?

No no no...

Just a simple property crime. You know, high-tech burglary, with gadgets, and ropes, and tense background music. I could break in, disable the security system, crawl around in the air duct, use fake finger prints to bypass scanner locks, do some computer cracking on the fly and have a fabulous female partner who speaks three languages and has lustrous red hair.

OK, yes, I just wrote myself into an episode of Alias.

Which reminds me, we decided to remove Alias from our DVR recording schedule. We give up. I just cannot bear to watch the Ben-stained gestating heroine prance around in tight pants and high heels 8-months pregnant. It's always sad when you conscioulsy abandon a show. It's like giving up on a friend with cancer, albeit a dim-witted, corny and embarrassingly far-fetched friend, but still, I'm just sayin...

Anyway, I want to commit a crime, carry out a caper, hold a heist. I'd give back whatever I stole. It's not about personal gain. It's about the adventure, and I'm looking for a crew with talent. Now, where can I find a set of window-climbing suction cups??

8 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:11 PM

    I'm wearing sexy panties. . .

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wait, wait, wait. You are thinking short term. That baby is going to come out and she will return to her famously hot self (to be sure, I would argue that she is still in spite of carrying Spawn of Ben, but that is beside the point). More importantly, after the baby comes out, JenG will look over at Ben and say to herself: "What the fuck was I thinking? He was in the movie Jersey Girl for chrissakes!!" She will then dump him like a hot rock and JenG can return to her place of glory on your laminated list.

    Also, don't forget the added benefit of her having kids - her tits will likely get bigger. So there's that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'd love to be part of your heist crew, but why won't you call me? Is it because I have cancer?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, Tom, don't be silly. I'm very much aware of the assets you would bring to a heist crew. That's precisely why I haven't called you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Can I be in your crew - I used to be a gymnast - put me in a catsuit and I'll cartwheel myself through the lazer beams.....

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes, yes, pregnant chicks are hot. I don't disagree. JenG just stinks of Ben-Musk, and I don't think that ever comes off. Oh, that, and the show has gone from barely-tollerable to outright unsufferable.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ooh, I definitely need someone to cartwheel through lazer beams, Yes! I'm not quite as agile as I once was, otherwise I'd do it myself... Perhaps I'd look good in a catsuit.

    ReplyDelete
  8. One, you'd look like a total dork in a catsuit. You don't have the ass for it. Two, you wouldn't get halfway up the building before your back would go out and then you wouldn't be able to walk for a week. Three, yes, pregnant chycks are very hot.

    ReplyDelete

Be compelling.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.