Monday, October 31, 2005

All Hallows Eve

Christians, god love them, come in three basic flavors: Catholic Vanilla, Orthodox Strawberry, and Protestant Chunky Monkey. All of them believe in a Jehovah-father-god figure; a Jesus (Jesu) (Yeshua) Christ (Christo) (Kristos) Messiah-son-figure; and a Satan (Shatan) Adversary-accuser-figure along with his demon cohorts. Most of them share a concept of Hell, heaven, and the afterlife; sin and redemption. All of them, across the board, without exception, collect money from the faithful in the name of God. However, that's where the similarities end.

Catholics come in sub sets, Roman, Irish, American, etc... Orthodox too: Russian, Greek, Eastern... And protestants?? Well, every three days, some snake-handling Yahoo gets gets an epiphany up his sanctimonious ass and starts a new congregation. Now, the old school believers, Catholic and Orthodox get all hot and bothered about Saints. (So do the Voodoo practitioners, but that's another blog entry.) However, the protestants don't give a rat's ass about them. Old dead Christians were probably good folks, but really, isn't it blasphemy to pray to them? And don't get protestants started on the worship of Mary! Good lord...

So, here's where the irony kicks in, Halloween, All Hallow's eve.. This is a holiday, rumored to be about the celebration of evil, which exists only where Christianity exists. Buddhists? Not so interested in Halloween.

So, Catholics and Orthodox have a ton of saints, and will continue to accumulate more. (I'm working on my own beatification: "Saint Brian, the Pretty Good") As the Christian juggernaut rolled over Europe, the respective churches got pretty good at assimilating, in a Borg-like fashion, all things pagan: Easter? Christmas? Very very pagan. (Somebody show me where it says in the Christian Bible to put a Druidic Tree shrine in your house...)

Anyway, I was talking about saints. So, some Pope, I think it was one of the many Benedicts, decided that they needed a catchall holiday to celebrate all of the saints and all of the martyrs, lest anyone get left out. Oh, lets just incorporate it into the end-of-Harvest pre-winter celebration of the dead that all of our pagan servants are observing, I'm sure no one will notice. Thus, All Hallows was born, and in good old Catholic yin-yang tradition (see Mardi Gras) All Hallow's Eve soon followed. The idea being, that the evil spirits should be excised before the saintly feast.

The Orthodox did the same thing, but they co-opted a Spring ritual rather than an Autumn one.

Witches, devils, demons, sin, heresy, all of these things, would not exist if it weren't for Christians to believe in them. So, the rituals of Halloween, a completely Christian holiday, were developed to excise the evil spirits the day before the big omnibus celebration on November 1.

Then came the protestants, with their starched collars and disdain for all things saint-related. They see the Catholics' focus on evil on Halloween, but fail to see the purpose, or even recognize a glimmer of goodness in the following Saints' Day. So, the Protestants create, as a function of their ignorance, intolerance, and superstition, a day completely devoted to the worship and practice of evil. If it weren't for the involuntary collusion of Christians, there would be NO devil's day.

It makes me want to punch somebody.

And the Mormons? They believe the Indians used to be Jews, and that horses and elephants were indigenous to the Americas. They just need to shut the fuck up, and sit down.

OK, so that leaves us with our modern practice of dressing up in scary costumes, and wandering door to door begging for hand outs. Say what you will about the moral implications and the lessons we teach our children, trick-or-treating is a kick in the ass. But please, somebody explain to me the teenagers that knock on the door at 10:00...

Jesus, did I ever ramble. Is anyone still reading this? Well, thanks for sticking it out with me. Here is a picture of the Howler Monkey in her ladybug costume. (yes she went trick-or-treating, and yes, I ate her candy.) Oh, and our pumpkins...


  1. You want a scary pumpkin? Wait until the time that you sit back and watch the howler monkey carve her own pumpkin.

    It may have one eye and a mouth that looks like it was made with a claw hammer and for some reason my kids feel that all pumpkins need ears. The end result is not the image of horror that Lovecraft sought, but the process is pretty close to the mark. True fear is the time when you hand your child a knife, no matter how dull and “Kid-Safe”, and sit back and watch them work a gourd.

    Visions of emergency rooms and fingers on the floor. Years later her blaming her failed life on your stupidity. Wondering if you are a good parent.

    Brain sucking zombies have nothing on the deep fear of being a bad parent. Why the hell else would anyone go to something called a “Pre-School Graduation Ceremony.”

    Nothing can make you wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and screaming more than nightmares of your kids.

    Hell. Give me blood thirsty vampires any day. They are easy to deal with. But should the need arise, I could never figure out how to bleed fast enough for my kids.

  2. The Monkey is starting to stand on her own. I know fear...

  3. Nope - fear is when boys start ringing and she shuts her bedroom door in your face to talk to them - and all you can hear is the giggling....(however close you put your ear to the door)


Be compelling.

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