Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Voodoo Juju, Mojo Jojo


Finances Fizzling? Love life lacking? Embroiled in a feud with your village priestess?

Tired of being told that the science and rationality of the west is best? Fed up with the mangy mantra of self sacrifice, perseverance and hard work? Then do I have the voodoo for you-you

My friend, you have come to the right place. Put away your worry and doubt. As your cyber bartender, I play many roles. I am your friend, your confessor, your story-teller, your news-source, your messiah, and your shrink. Surprisingly, though, and what you may not realize, is that I am also your witch doctor.

That’s right baby, these feet are firmly planted on the meridians of power crisscrossing mother earth. The pure potent power of my magic will alter the course of your life for ever. I embody the voice of the saints. I wield the mojo of the very Vodous in my jujus, if you know what I mean.

Best of all, I’m here to help, and for a limited time only, my help is free. That’s right, gratis. No charge. At least until I get fired for spending too much time checking my blog during the day, watching fervently for friendly feedback to quench my undying need for external validation… but I digress.
My magic is your magic. I have for you, absolutely free of charge, no less than three completely genuine voodoo spells, with instructions, taken from highly reputable online sources…

SPELL FOR LOVE

Cast this spell on a Friday as Venus, planet of love and romance, also rules this day.

-Concentrate on the love you wish to invite into your life
-Light two candles.
-Hold a Rose Quartz in your hand and gaze into the candle flame
-Repeat the Angel invocation below:

Archangel Anael, I invoke thee on this Venus eve
To grant me my wish
I ask for love eternal and true
May the flame of the candle
The fragrance of the Rose
Carry it afar
And grant me my hearts desire
So Mote It Be (Mote??)

Thank the Archangel for helping you.
Leave the candles to burn out.
(I take no responsibility for any harm caused by your unattended candles. Use caution)
Eat one green Apple and save the seeds.
Place the Apple seeds and the Rose Quartz Crystal on a window ledge where they will attract the magic of the moon.
The following morning as soon as you arise, plant the Apple seeds in a pot with suitable growing medium.
Look after your seeds in a caring way and as the seedlings begin to grow, love will come into your life.

PROTECTION

Should be done during Waning or New Moon
Purpose: to protect yourself and/or loved ones from all types of harm.
Lightly anoint a small, white candle with Frankincense oil and a small, blue candle with Myrrh oil. Light both candles and then sit or stand before them. Look into the flames and visualize them bathing you with a glowing, protective white-blue light. Imagine their fire creating a flaming, shimmering sphere around you. Say the following words:

Craft the spell in the fire;
Craft it well; weave it higher.
Weave it now of shining flame;
None shall come to hurt or maim.
None shall pass this fiery wall;
None shall pass, no, none at all."

Repeat this every day if needed.

SPELL FOR WEALTH

Cast this spell for wealth and prosperity on a Sunday
On the first stroke of Midnight light an oil burner and a gold candle.
Hold a silver coin in your right hand (this is your receiving hand).
As you gaze into the flame of the candle repeat the Angel Invocation:

Archangel Michael I invoke thee to grant my wish tonight
Grant me my wish
And ease my plight
Money luck not greed
Enough to fulfill my needs
Grant my wish and I will remember
To give as I have received
So Mote It Be (There's that word again)

Thank the Archangel for helping you, and allow the candle to burn down.
Keep the silver coin in your purse or wallet along with some Citrine, this will ensure you will always have enough money to fulfill your needs.

What? Too chicken to invoke your own semi-deity? Too lazy? Fine, if you don’t want to do it yourself, then this woman will do it for you. Whatever, I was just trying to help…

4 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:13 AM

    I was really hoping for a spell to smote (which is similar to mote?) my enemies.

    ReplyDelete
  2. strangely enough, on-line spell providers don't give away "black magic" for free. Basic economic theory I guess. There seems to be a high demand.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm particularly pleased you're using an icon of the voodoo priest for Monotikiteeya from Scooby Doo.

    Why do I know this? I have no idea.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Monotikiteeya! Excellent call, Deuce. My son loves the old school Scooby and enjoys the originals now on DVD. As a result, I get to view them often as well and can tell you that "Mr. Sims," who was in the tiki costume, would surely have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

    ReplyDelete

Be compelling.

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