Thursday, October 27, 2005

The Mummy

When I die, I'd like to be buried in dirt without a box. I would like nature to take its course, and turn my body into mulch for a nice tree or maybe a shrubbery. Admittedly, that option is not for everyone.

One of the oldest options for those afraid to be eaten by worms is mummification. The sacred ritual of having one's body turned into jerky for all of eternity, once popular with pharos, is now all-the-rage amongst the Botox set.

That’s right, mummification. A little start up called Summum is now offering modern mummification to those who wish to completely blow what little inheritance they had stored up for their children, before they die.

For the right price, the entire family can be stuffed and mounted. And, when I say the whole family, I mean everyone, even the guinea pig.

So, that leads me to wonder about my own family, and especially my dog, Strider. (I just can’t carry the fantasy far enough to include the aquarium fish...) As you all know, Strider is a lover, not a fighter. I mean, he will track and destroy moths and mosquitoes, but when it comes to intruders, he’s all licking and tail wagging.

So, let’s say I were to drink some low-quality bathtub mescal, and decide to blow the howler monkey’s college education fund on mummifying the dog; just what sort of pose should I choose? I mean this is a life-long decision. This is a decision that will outlive me, since the mummy may be around into the next millennia.

Should he be posed in a state of fright with a squeeze-toy in his mouth? Should he be posed, gnawing through a bovine-phallus-sized rawhide bone? No. No, there is only one pose that will forever capture the spirit of Strider after he has crossed over…

If I ever decide to mummify my dog, I will have him posed, humping a Mormon.

Curse of the mummy, indeed!


  1. Anonymous11:07 AM

    If you are serious about this, you should consider having Strider freeze dried:

    Personally, I think its some pretty creepy shit.

  2. I might just have a rug made out of him...

  3. amanda12:33 PM

    You could make him into diamond earrings. Well, not you personally, but LifeGem can do it for you.

  4. Oh my god. I just checked out the LifeGem website. (google it yourself.) That may be one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. Good job Amanda!

  5. In the Mekong Delta (‘Nam to the geographically challenged) there is a form of Buddhism that maintains mummies. Not a lot of them. But they have a few. These are special people that they believe bring blessings to the area. They showed me a few of them. Crude plaster covered bodies. Painted lifelike and then dressed in clothing.

    Last time I was there (Sept. ’05) I had a conversation with what can best be described as the village priestess. As a setting, they don’t get westerners in this part of Vietnam. Look on a map if you want. 7 hours south of Saigon. 3 hours south of Can Tho. Then take a boat through the maze of canals.

    Then there is me. It seems that they found great fortune in the signs of my being there. The moles on my face. The lines of my palms. The lobes of my ears. The giant cobra they caught on my arrival (did not taste like chicken). And I do not know if there were comets in the sky, but it seemed to be a really big deal.

    There were parties. People touched me for luck. Parents were forcing the hands of small crying children to touch me. The children scared of this being that was big white and strange. I was taken to personally visit the elderly and sick that could not make it to where I was staying. I was told they needed my luck. The catholic priest asked me to bless his relics. Colonel Kurtz had nothing on me.

    Then the reality set in with the following exchange one night holding court on the banks of the Mekong as people filed by asking for permission to touch the white one.

    Priestess: You good luck for my village. You here, we have good luck.

    Me: Thank you.

    Priestess: You stay here, we have good luck.

    Me: I like it here. It is nice.

    Priestess: I kill you now, you stay here forever. We have good luck forever.

    I have seen the alcove in which they would like to place my body. I know which bank of the river has the right type of mud for the making of the plaster.

    It will not cost me anything to be a mummy. I simply need to go back and assent.

  6. Aw hell, Carl, I've been touching you for luck for years...


Be compelling.

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