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Deep in the ancient jungles of Guatemala, centuries before the first conquistador waded ashore, avid astronomers, and Mayan mystics studied the motion of the stars, and literally hammered out the great calendar. Dividing time into the great epochs of man, the disk extends into the past and into the future. The future, that is, until December 21, 2012. That is the day, according to the Mayan Calendar, that the world will end.

2012 has long been held by conspiracy kooks and X-Files fans to be a day, as good as any, to schedule the End. However, recent discoveries have proven that the Maya were nothing more that a bunch of dim-witted half-baked cranks. The world is not going to end on December 21, 2012. That is just simple nonsense, a fallacious fabrication! No, the world is going to end on Sunday, September 5, 4500.

The logic goes something like this. Money is power. Bill Gates is still the wealthiest individual in the world, which, not accounting for inflation, makes him the wealthiest person in all of human history. By extension, therefore, he is the most powerful man in all of human history.

Now, the most powerful human ever has decreed that his calendar (Microsoft Outlook) would end on Sunday, September 5, 4500 AD. So, he must possess some knowledge that we mere mortals do not. If Bill says 9-5-4500, who the hell are we to argue? So let it be written. So let it be done.

And here I was , worried about the sun exploding in 5 billion years…