Stumptown

I’ve been spying on you. Don’t be shy. You know you like it. I’ve been tracking traffic, and have learned some interesting things. For instance, Abestis wears women’s underwear, and Tits McGee had a lot of fun back in the 80s…

Most interesting of all, however, was the discovery of the international readers. So, to those folks logging in from Mexico, Brazil, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, England, France, Thailand, Malaysia, Australia, and Tasmania: All of us here in the lounge would like to say, Howdy!

I assume that most of you have never, and will never, visit Oregon. So, I’d like to share a few special tidbits about my home.

First, the name of the state is NOT pronounced “Oree-GONE.” This is a point of contention. Folks here are very laid back, and are accepting of many things. However, lawyers have lost trials, politicians have been pummeled, and celebrities have been censured due to that error. So, practice with me now, the proper pronunciation: “OR-uh-gun.” Say it over and over until it feels natural in your mouth. Then, next time you are at a social gathering you can impress all of your peers. “By the by, Mildred, did you know that Oregon is not pronounced Oree-GONE at all? Why, heavens no, it is pronounced OR-uh-gun…” You’ll be the hit of the party!

Now, you say, “Portland, Oregon” to most folks, and they say, “So, does it really rain that much there?” Well, the answer to that question is an unequivocal “Yes.” It rains a lot. Sure, Seattle and Vancouver get their share too, but hey; let them write their own blog….

So, why did a boy like me, who grew up in Southern California, move to a place where it rains from October until May? Well, mostly because the sun gives me a headache, but also, because Portland really mostly in some ways doesn’t suck that much. For instance, there are more micro-breweries in Oregon than in any other state. Beer flows here like the proverbial chocolate in Wonka’s factory. Also, there are more strip clubs per capita in Portland than in any other city in the US. (Side note: strip clubs here are allowed to have full nude dancers and serve alcohol, but the catch is they have to serve food.)

In Oregon, it is illegal to pump your own gas. However, it is legal, for now, for your doctor to write a suicide prescription if you are terminally ill. Also, Oregon has no sales tax. None. Zero. If an item is marked $12.99, you will pay $12.99.

Portland is one of only two cities in the US (and possibly the world) that have dormant volcanoes within their incorporated city limits. (The other city is Bend, Oregon.)

Portland calls itself the Rose City, although there aren’t really many roses here. It’s also called Stumptown, a holdover from the period of rapid growth in the 1840s. Hip locals, too short on time, will often use the airport code, PDX, which is funny since that takes one syllable more to say than just “Portland.”

Oregonians in general, and Portlanders specifically, have specific tastes. The coffee is strong, the beer is thick, the food is eclectic, the art is plentiful, the women have tattoos, the freeways are lush, politics are heated, and everyone has an opinion. It’s a good place to live, and a nice place to visit. If you’re ever in town, let me know. Maybe I’ll buy you a drink and show you around…