Magic Water

My stomach doesn't feel particularly well. It's rumbling. It's grumbling. Perhaps it was the copious amount of booze consumed at Brenda's wedding over the weekend, or the lack of sleep. Perhaps it's the endless conveyor belt of craptastic food that I've consumed over the last couple of days.

Perhaps my job is to blame, with Tuesday's arbitration and the trial barreling down upon me at the end of the month. Maybe it's the row of unread medical-record notebooks, standing like a siege wall along the perimeter of my desk.

Whatever is the cause, it sounds (and feels) like a herd of water buffalo have taken up station in my belly. Therefore, tonight, as I prepped for tomorrow's Arbipalooza, I felt the need to rush down the hall to the downstairs guest suite bathroom.

This is, quite frankly, one of my favorite rooms in the whole house. It is one of the main reasons I wanted to buy the house. I recall exclaiming the word: "OOH!" upon first seeing it.

It is a simple bathroom. Shower/bath, toilet, sink, mirror. Spartan in decor, it is clean, and well furnished with pilfered hotel toiletries for our guests. More importantly, however, it is mostly isolated from the rest of the house and is, therefore, ideal for me to do the deed.

(No, I'm not talking about masturbation. At least, not this time.)

No, you know what I'm talking about, and this room is the ideal place for it. With this squarely in mind, I also keep this room stocked with an assortment of varied literature for my quality reading time.

So, tonight, I found myself sitting for a spell, and started thumbing through a recent copy of Popular Science. It is a reputable rag, to be sure, there was something about robots... Anyway, as I reached the advertisement pages near the back cover, I came across a bright bold red warning declaring that FILTERED WATER MAY BE AS DANGEROUS AS CIGARETTES!!

An anonymous woman from SD (South Dakota?) was quoted, "All around me they have MS, but they all drink pure filtered water from distillers, filters, ozonators, and reverse osmosis machines. The water is PURE, why do they have MS?"

I failed to see the connection, but I was intrigued. Maybe I was missing something.

But wait, there was more:

"People with Cancer flush their disease along with their medicine into the ground water 4-5 times per day. (Those bastards!) If you have well water and people in your town have cancer, there's a good chance you could get cancer!!"

OK, are they saying Cancer is contagious?? I mean, if your neighbors have cancer, and you have cancer, shouldn't you be more suspicious of the chemical processing plant across the street?

Apparently, they have a cure for that problem too:

"A town in Colorado that was fined $10,000 per day because water treatment companies couldn't stop the horrible smell from a 5 acre waste lagoon with over 10 million gallons of sewer waste. (Yes, that was a sentence fragment.) We sprayed our energized water on the surface of the lagoon. The smell was gone in 24 hours!"

Finally, in the poorly-written closing pitch, we are told: "Now you have been warned about cigarettes AND pure water products." Well, thank god for that.

It would be nice if it were true. All I'd have to do is drink some energized water, "with electrons!" and all of my many many medical maladies would wash away. Perhaps a tall cool glass of iced magic water could sooth my rumbling gut.

What isn't nice, however, is the sloppily fabricated fear tactics employed by these jackasses. I mean, it's one thing to separate a dimwit from his money, but it's always someone's gullible grandma or ailing aunt that gets hoodwinked by this hokum.

Wanna see for yourself? Check it out right here. The company seems to be located in New York. Anyone know the number for the Justice Department back there?

I think it's time for some Pepto...