Thursday, April 10, 2008


Really, I prefer Quiznos to Subway. The turkey bacon and guacamole may be the world's most perfect sandwich. However, subway is far more ubiquitous, and therefore more convenient.

It is important, therefore, to know your Subway order in advance.

Well sure, that's true for any fast food dining experience. At McDonald's, it's a Big Mac and a cheeseburger. At Burger King, its a Whopper with Cheese and a cheeseburger. At Taco Bell, I order a Burrito Supreme and two soft tacos. At Del Taco, it's a Combo Burrito and two chicken soft tacos.

At Carl's Jr., I will order the Western Bacon Cheeseburger and whatever else is on sale for 99 cents.

At Subway, however, there is more pressure. You can't just order the item and move along to the drink machine. No, there is always a line behind you and they expect you to personally direct the entire sandwich making process.

So, you really don't have time to fuck around and pick your ass.

Thus: When I go to Subway, as I have for the last 20 years, I always order the exact same thing, and here it is.

Foot long BMT on Parmesan Oregano. BMT is a stack of all the Italian-style deli meats. And as everyone knows, I like to put spicy Italian meats in my mouth. Yo this day, however, I have been able to figure out what BMT stands for. (I'm sure Fred is working on that one right now...)

Lettuce, Onions, Pickles, Olives. The key here is "No Tomatoes." As I've said before, Tomatoes are fine fine fruit. Sliced with a bit of salt and pepper, or in a salad with fresh Mozz and fresh basil... mmm...

But not on a sandwich. Never. It's a big juicy slice of watery fruit. Whoever it was that came up with the notion that Tomatoes go on burgers and sandwiches, should be punched in the head.

Pepperoncinis. Ah, ,the patron pepper of the Lounge. The number one Google search term. Remember, in the Lounge, we pronounce them "Pepper-Cheeneys."

Mustard and Mayonnaise. Two of the finest condiments known to man.

Black pepper. Here is a common selection for me. I often go with pepper as a plate-side spice, but very rarely, do I add salt. Most foo is salty enough,and adding more salt to my food conjures horror-images of fat Americans in patriotic t-shirts salting their deep-fried fat before cramming it into their reddened jowls.

Also, by ending with black pepper, I avoid further nauseating discussion of oil and vinegar. Oil, like vinegar, is a liquid. A liquid than runs out, and all over your sandwich, seeping and pooling throughout the plastic sandwich carry bag, soaking every available inch of the bread.

And, as soggy bread is an abomination unto all decent things, we cannot have the oil and vinegar on the sandwich.

Jesus Christ, I'm getting ill just thinking about the soggy bread now. Oh god... That's it, I'm done.


  1. Nothing beats trading a 12" subway for a medium penguin's yogart with 2 toppings.

    The best fast food combination:

    Double Double animal style
    animal fries
    large coke
    chocolate shake

    It is truely the only way to clog your arteries and too bad Oregon doesnt have any in-n-outs yet.

  2. Tommy Burger7:53 AM

    I never get any fuckin respect

  3. Dr. B, you are so right, we need In-n-Outs here. Whenever I visit California it's one of the destinations I must go to, but I do get tomotoes on my burgers and sandwiches for that matter.

    Mr. G&T is odd with his food, besides this and the no blue jello, what else is there?

  4. No... no In n Outs in your neck of the woods!?!?

    *rethinks plans to relocate to Oregon*

  5. Not a single one. I think the closest is's sad really, although maybe I should be glad, my ass would be as big as a house if I had the opportunity to eat at In-n-Out daily....

  6. Hehe, silver linings, eh? I guess I'd better enjoy it while I can-- of course, I'm sure we'll stay put for at least a few more years :)

  7. Yes... I recall those trips back home to SoCal, indulging in all the cultural offerings (and Tommy's chili cheese burgers, Pinks Hot Dogs, In N Out Burger, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Dan's Super Subs (which tops really all other competitors, no question); Joe's Pizza on Broadway...

    Just for the Brians, I'll mention The Hat.

    Actually, my office had the In N Out burger truck come here yesterday - Double Double, Animal Style, at the doorstep.

    That, my friends, is service.

  8. Ah yes, The Hat chilli fries will burn coming out too.

    We also went to this dive Mexican place called "El loco" it has killer carnitas.

    Once in a great while I will get a Wendy's square burger.

    Brian, you are a pussy about the tomatoe thing. Marge, try putting a half chewed peanut on his arm.

  9. Half chewed peanut? What? He also has an aversion to peanuts or half chewed food. The half chewed food I could see, but what's wrong with peanuts?

  10. marge's ass1:16 PM

    I am just about the size of a small outhouse now. Bootylicious!!

  11. Jared1:41 PM

    Hey Marge, I've got some fat jeans you can borrow if ya go on that there In-n-Out diet.

  12. I'd just like to point out that if you've read prior posts you've all seen my ass, and frankly it's not big, it's one of my best assets I've been told....

  13. mapquest2:26 PM

    Heading south from Oregon, the first in-n-out you hit is in Stockton.

  14. Does anyone else remember those truly horrid Quiznos commercials aired a couple years back? The ones with the ugly, hairy, toothy mouth-puppet creature that sang (more like screamed) incoherent lyrics way off-key?

    I found that commercial so awful I actually boycotted Quiznos for the longest time because of it.

    I've never even set foot in one until about a month or two ago, after they came out with flatbread sammies (and started airing reasonable commercials) ;-P

  15. My bad... it was some kind of rat/hamster with ugly human teeth superimposed...

    cover your ears:

  16. Bored at 4:304:33 PM

    I have nothing interesting to say.

  17. bored by the comments6:24 PM

    Neither does anyone else.

  18. BMT - Bigger - Meatier - Tastier

    Also - Subway is the No.1 buyer of fresh tomatoes in the USA.

    And as for their tuna subs, I have been to the slaughter house where their tuna is processed. Their tuna salad is extra creamy, and I know why.


Be compelling.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.