Tuesday, April 15, 2008

What I've Learned from Gangster Movies

Gangster movies are not my favorite genre. Perhaps I'll turn this into a series and discuss war movies, romantic comedies, heist films, Sci Fi, and Westerns...

Tonight, however, I bring you life lessons from the mob:

1. Drug-packing whores must work naked.

2. If the boss requests a favor, do it. Really, Just do it.

3. Every smart gangster has an entirely-incompetent motherfuckingly-stupid brother and or cousin. Usually, both.

4. Most women will overlook morally-suspect endeavors if you buy them shiny things.

5. All Italians are connected. All Italians living in New York or New Jersey are Made.

6. Surprisingly, real tough-guys look like Joe Pesci.

7. Real-life gangsters like to imitate big-screen gangsters who, in turn, like to imitate real-life gangsters. Or, perhaps, I have that backwards.

8. Don't snitch. Not ever.

9. It is safer to go to a mob funeral than a mob wedding. Funerals are usually attended and watched by half a dozen law enforcement agencies, while wedding guests usually get slaughtered.

10. NEVER DRESS LIKE A PIMP!

72 comments:

  1. Sounds like the rules for working at my office. Except for the dressing like a pimp part of course.

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  2. Lucky Red7:56 AM

    11). One of your buddies must own a bar or a food joint where you all hang out, pay homage to the 'big boss', get your marching orders, and be sitting ducks for a drive by shooting.

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  3. I have nothing to comment, just wanted to say hi to Helly...you know to bore "Anonymous" to death...

    Really though, if you've ever seen the Sopranos at all, those are all the golden rules and itsn't it funny how some bling for the wife seems to make everything all right in Italian families?

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  4. little bling goes a long way

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  5. Indiana10:32 AM

    So, I was trying to sell a black baby on ebay the other day, and I was dismayed to discover that I could only fetch 4/5 the price of a healthy white baby.

    Perhaps I should try the glue factory...

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  6. LOL-- hi Marge *waves*

    I'm in class today, so only sporadic net access during breaks. But I had to pop over here when I saw your comment-- couldn't resist ;-)

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  7. Hi Marge

    I have to admit, I have a hot and nasty girl crush on you. I think, maybe, if we were to ever meet, I might not be able to keep my tongue out of your mouth. :-P

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  8. Anonymous11:31 AM

    by all means. resist.

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  9. Helly! You are a naughty girl. Hope you're having a good day at school.

    I only have 2 1/2 more days at this shitty job I have and then I'm on to greener pastures so to speak...

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  10. Anonymous: You have no idea what I look like or how great I kiss, so I don't think Helly could resist....just sayin'....

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  11. the shark11:39 AM

    I'm pretty sure I have been jumped

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  12. 12) Every once in a while you have to "do" one of your own guys just to keep the others in line.

    This rule applies to business too. Keeps the natives from getting too restless.

    Hey Indiana, thats just wrong dude.

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  13. By the way, I am willing to record the meeting between Marge and Helly on my camcorder.

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  14. Very funny Dr. B. Maybe The Lounge Strip Club night, you can all come up from CA and you can bring your camcorder along....

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  15. tall girls gone wild11:57 AM

    THAT'S RIGHT!! WATCH THESE TWO TALL MOMS GET FREAKY IN THE BACK SEAT OF A VOLVO. AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, YOU GET A SECOND DVD, "INOG'S HOT TUB ADVENTURE," TOTALLY FREE!

    ORDER NOW!!

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  16. Well this "tall girl gone wild" drives a minivan...yes a frickin' minivan...the seats recline though, I'm sure we could have all sorts of fun.

    Do we want inog's hot tub video?

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  17. Very clever, "helly"... making it look like *I* posted the "girl crush" comment by manually linking to my blogger profile :-P

    And actually Marge, I've technically seen you in your underwear, so... ;-)

    Just teasin'
    I definitely don't swing that way.

    My real fantasy, however, involves hooking up my husband with some cute guy, and then filming the ensuing action :-D

    Any studly volunteers?

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  18. I like shoes!

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  19. Helly1:22 PM

    Love you long time, Marge. Clean clean no disease. No Soul Brotha, too Bocu.

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  20. volunteer1:28 PM

    Sure Helly, can your husband swallow 14 inches of sweaty shaft up to the ball sack?

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  21. Indiana1:36 PM

    So how much to watch Helly, Marge, Helly's husband, his gay lover and Inog in the volvo?

    Can I just buy the video from BS?

    Anyone else into hot hard core transgendered midget films? Just wondering?

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  22. Don't worry Helly, I knew it wasn't you posting the "girl crush."

    Although I do now believe you are truly a dirty girl, what does Mr. Helly think about your fantasy?

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  23. mr. helly2:00 PM

    I was nervous about it at first, but after the first few fistings, I realized that it was as nature intended

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  24. Oh and yes Helly I've seen you in your panties too, although you cheated a little I believe.

    Indiana, you're just wrong all together today, selling babies, transgender midgit videos, whose a midget and transgender. Are you trying to tell us something about yourself?

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  25. Kentucky2:31 PM

    I fucked my grandma in the ass and then killed her and then fucked her again. How gangster am I?

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  26. Kentucky's grandmother2:52 PM

    That's my boy!

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  27. Kentucky that's not gangster that's just disgusting.

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  28. National Gangster Council3:01 PM

    Well, no, as a mater of speaking, we have found that Kentucky's comments do constitute appropriate gangsterocity. Therefore, we conclude that Kentucky is, quite certainly, gangster.

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  29. montana3:01 PM

    depends, alabama. did she still have a head?

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  30. I respectfully disagree with the council

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  31. montana3:06 PM

    i meant kentucky. fuck it i'm drunk

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  32. Alabama3:06 PM

    What?

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  33. montana3:08 PM

    alabama, didnt you fuck your mom when she didnt have a head

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  34. Alabama3:21 PM

    Yes, but I dressed her up in a Helly costume first...

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  35. Indiana3:22 PM

    Hell, who hasn't?

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  36. Well, I haven't. My wives and I are praying for you.

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  37. The praying's not going to work for you.

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  38. oregon3:37 PM

    let us know when your wives hit puberty.

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  39. puberty is for suckers

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  40. montana3:39 PM

    mm suckers

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  41. California3:41 PM

    Hola! Como esta?

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  42. Do you realize this post has gone from talking about "What I've Learned from Gangster Movies" to Helly and I kissing to Helly wanting her husband to get it on with another man and video it to Kentucky fucking his grandma to Oregon waiting for the Utah girls to come of age....

    Interesting day at The Lounge...just sayin'....

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  43. West Virginia3:53 PM

    (Banjo playing)...Hey Oregon, you look just like a piggy.

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  44. montana3:55 PM

    check your dick does it smell like bacon?

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  45. Kentucky3:56 PM

    Hey Indiana, I'll buy your black baby if it still has all its fingers and you havent violated the soft spot yet.

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  46. And now you guys are just getting gross....

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  47. oregon4:13 PM

    That's free range piggy

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  48. Indiana4:16 PM

    Sorry Kentucky, it sold already. However, I've got a pair of siamese twins from peru.

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  49. West Virginia4:55 PM

    Where's my Marge blow up doll? I want to do the 2 cups with her.

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  50. Ummm...there have been no blow up dolls of Marge manufactured yet. Good idea though, maybe I could make some extra money.

    And what the hell is the "2 cups?"

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  51. Ok, I just recalled the 2 girls one cup video that was on The Lounge, if you were referring to that, umm....NO, even if Marge is a blow up doll...that's just wrong, wrong, wrong....

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  52. the marge doll5:08 PM

    speak for yourself

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  53. tastes like butt chocolate

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  54. LMFAO! Let's see, where to begin... yes, an interesting day at the Lounge. It's always interesting to watch Brian talk to himself ;-)

    Ref: the undie pics, well, my pic DID fall under the rules, technically :-D

    Ref: what Mr. Helly thought of my fantasy: He gives an adamant "no". I continue to maintain he's still in the closet. And the cycle goes on.

    And finally, the Helly doll remark: that is funny on two levels.
    1. A Myspace bulletin I did in which a search for "Helly looks like" yielded "Helly looks like a sexdoll". I'm sure that's where the commenter got the idea :-P

    2. My ex and I actually possessed a blowup doll. We named her "Belly" because my nickname was Helly-Belly, so it was the closest thing to my own name.

    Ah... the things you learn in the Lounge ;-)

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  55. oh, and I also meant to add: an interesting day at the Lounge, and I was gone for most of it! Again... Brian holds his own pretty well.

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  56. Helly! Maybe I should get a Marge doll, spice things up a bit

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  57. Will the Marge doll have a blue beehive for hair? ;-)

    And I have to ask-- does using a blowup doll count as a threesome?

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  58. Oh, I certainly cannot take all of the credit...

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  59. No beehive for this 'Marge' and I don't know Helly, does it? You're the one to have admitted having once had a blow up 'Belly'

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  60. Hehe, I'm soliciting everyone else's opinion. I say yes. Hubby says no.

    (this came about from one of those "how corrupt are you" tests)

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  61. My initial answer is yes, but then that brings me to the question: Does using 'toys' count as a threesome?

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  62. Anonymous7:45 PM

    Hmmm, fewer comments by marge and helly and things really improve around here.

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  63. Not just any toy, though... but one that's supposed to mimic a human.

    btw, if you do get a 'Marge' doll, you might want to use a condom anyway... otherwise cleanup can be a bitch!

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  64. Anonymous should own his comments and Helly just to piss anonymous off I think we should bombard him with comments.

    And condoms? Are you kidding me? Haven't seen one of those in about 10 years.

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  65. I think Anonymous is secretly jealous of us ;-)

    As for condoms... man, I can't wait till hubby goes snip-snip and we can throw ours out for good! He keeps refusing the home kit, though, I don't understand why...

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  66. Oh, and btw, I just NOW got around to reading the post... gangster movies are not my favorite, either, for pretty much most of the silliness listed above.

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  67. Have you not heard of the IUD or the pill in the meantime? And what is it with men being pussies about the snip snip? Mine is balking at the idea as well.

    And yes, anonymous must be jealous.

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  68. Yeah, we always figured hubby would go snip-snip real soon anyway, so I never bothered going to the gynecologist for a prescription. I hated going to them, anyway, last one I had was the one who delivered Todd.

    Hubby's actually okay with the idea-- he figures it's safer than me getting my tubes tied. It WILL be done before our next anniversary! >:-D

    Hey, this will really gross Anonymous out-- our talk of women's woes and whatnot ;-)

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  69. Anonymous7:33 AM

    Who said I was a guy?

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  70. Guy/gal you should still own your comments

    And just to further gross out and annoy anonoymous, I'm getting my IUD in next week and could not be happier. The baby was a little oops on the pill (a good oops I have to say)....

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  71. I like how Anonymous refuted our gender assumption, but didn't say anything about the jealousy...

    My friend's youngest child was also an oops while on the pill, apparently she was on some antibiotics and it negated the effect!

    I wonder if I'd be allowed to watch while the doctor did his snip-snip thing to hubby? I bet it'd be fascinating!!

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Be compelling.

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