Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Guess Who ISN'T Going to Hell!!

7 out of 7.

I had a perfect record.

I'd nailed all seven with a perfect completion. There was no way around it. Despite Dr. Brian's misguided theological dissertation that once a soul is "saved" it remains saved, I was quite certain that my blatant pagan-like apostasy had clearly and cleanly severed all ties to the Holy spirit and the blood of atonement. I was certainly doomed to Hell, if, that is, it actually existed.

Obviously it doesn't, but still, I had a perfect record.

The Catholics, apart from their standard laundry list of liturgical heresy, like to make shit up. Rather, actually, they simply have no sense of humor, and when one of their red-robed princes says something "canonical-sounding" they simply lap it up and turn it into Dogma.

For instance, neither veneration of Saints, supplication to Mary, transubstantiation , nor terrestrial patriarchal confession actually exist at all in the Bible. However, over the millennia, these small ideas have grown into substantial pillars of papist faith.

And so it was with the Seven Deadly Sins... Oooohhh... those sound REALLY Bad!!

Well, again, scripturally, sin is sin. As Saul of Tarsus wrote in his manifesto to his Roman followers: All have sinned, all have fallen short of the glory of God.

If you adhere to the fairy tale of sin, then no single sin is worse than any other. If you lie to your best friend and tell her that those hideous jeans don't actually make her look fat, when you know goddamn well that they accentuate her heifer-sized ass, then you have lied, which means you've sinned, and unless you follow the arcane path to salvation, you are going to hell to burn for eternity next to Pol Pot, Hitler and Dick Cheney.

The Catholics, however, decided to put extra emphasis on seven particular sins, because they really really didn't want you to have any fun at all.


C'mon, you've all seen the Brad Pitt movie... Name them.

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Pride

Hell I can break most of those lying on the couch on a lazy Sunday afternoon...

Lust: Have you seen the pictures of Dita??

Gluttony: If I'm still wearing pants by the end of dinner, you haven't made enough dinner.

Greed: I'm a lawyer

Sloth: Much of my busy work day is filled with Internet searches for naked midget gangbangs and new camera equipment on Craigslist.

Wrath: Nothing flips my anger switch like insubordination. Burglary gets me going too. However, most importantly, despite my mild-mannered easy-going demeanor, do not get between me and my children. Trust me on this.

Envy: I really wish I was Ryan Seacrest

Pride: C'mon, have you been reading the Lounge??

But all of this perfect system of sin, this checklist against grace, this blueprint for eternal damnation is no more. As of March 9, 2008, the moldy old Holy See has played the old dogmatic switcheroo. Out with the old carnal infractions, in with the new.

The church has released a new list of 7, replacing the old 7 deadlies with 7 modern "social sins." The deadlies have gone the way of Pluto it seems, vanishing with the vote of a committee...

Now really, in all fairness, I have to hand it to the old man in the funny hat. I appreciate the policy behind the new sins, but really, the only folks who are going to hell under the new list are the oil companies, Microsoft, the Colombians, the Nazis and the Chinese. And I think the Chinese were already well on their way to begin with.

I mean, I can't even begin to put a dent in the new list. Look, here it is:

Environmental pollution
Genetic manipulation
Accumulating excessive wealth
Inflicting poverty
Drug trafficking and consumption
Morally debatable experiments
Violation of fundamental rights of human nature

So, after all these years, after all of the debauchery, debasing and devouring, I get off Scot-free... (assuming, hypothetically that is, that marijuana is a naturally occurring herb, and not a "drug" per se...)

Just sayin...

Anyway, I'm going to heaven, and I'm ready to party. I've got my gun, some hooch, a wallet full of cash and a bus ticket to Mexico! Who's coming with me??

29 comments:

  1. Just name the time and place. Mexico, tequila, hooch, sunshine, cabana boys...did I mention the tequila? Who'd wanna miss that?

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  2. Jesus8:31 AM

    Sorry, you are still going to hell...along with Ryan Seacrest.

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  3. Satan8:34 AM

    I'll keep the light on for you my son. Thanks for doing my bidding...and killing all those kittens.

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  4. I came back to tell you that you're still going to hell, but it looks like Jesus and Satan have beat me to it....

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  5. Um... yeah... I think I'm gonna go with Dr. Brian on this one...

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  6. Brian, we have had this conversation a million times...How big is big and how small is small.

    Basically, I felt like the church used to hold the backsliding thing over our heads to keep us going there(and keep putting money in the offering plate)

    My argument is this, We didnt do anything to get saved. We didn't die on the cross. So how can we do something to "un-save" ourselves. Being naughty is sinning and we can be forgiven for that.

    Here's my advice...as the car is flying off the cliff, have remorse for your life.

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  7. Or, if you're Catholic, just go to confession once in a while...all is good....at least that's what they tell us

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  8. Dr B, will you go over the cliff with me, you know, like Thelma and Louise?

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  9. They also tell you that priests, saints and Mary have magic powers...

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  10. Mary, Mother of Jesus10:02 AM

    Jesus, me and Joseph! I am sick to shit of doing favors for all of you. Look, we've made it easier with these new sins, right? They are easier to miss, so to speak. So, really, just be a little careful and everything will be fine.

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  11. Look... I don't want to critize... but an argument can be made:

    (Now, before everyone goes off, looks up each sin and then says that I am not addressing the wording... its a satire...relax... have more coffee...)

    Environmental pollution - Let's not even talk about a bad night of cheap mexican food. But, between all the trees that had to die for your law books, the BBQ's, the cigars, etc. I think you can check this off the list.

    Genetic manipulation - Not to be rude to the Lounge-ettes... but, you and Mrs G&T have been splashing around in the gene pool.

    Accumulating excessive wealth - (ok... take the cheap shot about being a lawyer, or take the cheap shot saying that you didn't check this off the list...wow... its a tough call, especially with what's following it on the list... sigh)

    Inflicting poverty - Hey, you're a lousy tipper? Ok - not my best work, but the rest are pretty good.

    Drug trafficking and consumption - Geez, this goes without saying. Hunter S. Thompson is sitting on cloud somewhere saying - Hey sparky, maybe you should ease up on the Gin and Mushroom Mondays !

    Morally debatable experiments - This one would take too much time to list. There are others in the lounge who probably could cataloge this by decade or presidential administration.

    Violation of fundamental rights of human nature - See above


    So... look. I'm justing saying that you might still want to go with "Underhill, Room 213" when you get to those Pearly Gates. Keep a low profile...

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  12. Raoul Duke10:15 AM

    Hunter Thompson is dead?

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  13. They (I'm assuming you're referring to the Catholics Mr. G&T) also say birth control, drinking, not attending church regularly and having pre-marital sex are sins, but like I said, go to confession...you're all set and forgiven and heading to heaven

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  14. "Morally debatable experiments"

    How can that be a sin? If it's "Morally debatable" doesn't that mean that it is as likely moral as it is immoral?

    These new sins just don't have the same "umph" that the old ones did.

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  15. Now that I think about it, even the original 7 didn't have much oomph. I mean c'mon, Gluttony??

    OK, If I were to make a list of 7 deadly sins, it would look like this:

    1. No Goat Fucking
    2. Don't steal other people's shit
    3. Don't hurt kids
    4. No killing, unless the other person is an asshole
    5. No tattoos on the tits
    6. No soggy bread
    7. Don't bruise my produce in the grocery bag.

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  16. no goat fucking??

    aww come on, and miss out on stories like this?

    what happens if you fuck a goat

    Its 2 years old and still hits the most read on the BBC website

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  17. Ok, so that didnt work..

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4748292.stm

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  18. I couldn't be a catholic based on their stand on masturbation alone.

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  19. Dr. B: That and many other reasons are why I no longer attend

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  20. Lisa, I had not heard that story...the Sudanese (sp?) seem to solve their problems quite nicely

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  21. Anonymous2:55 PM

    Who the hell thinks...hey, there's a goat! I'm going to go fuck it!

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  22. Well, I'm not going to name names...

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  23. The Goat2:57 PM

    Are you saying I'm not sexy?

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  24. I forgot to add the man is now sadly a goat widower..

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/6619983.stm

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  25. the goat3:18 PM

    who thinks...Hey, there's a Dentist, im going to go fuck him

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  26. Anonymous4:29 PM

    I hear goats go for dentists....

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  27. Hmmmm. I don't think my standing changes under either list.

    And fuck Mexico. You want to mess some stuff up, I got places that make Mexico look like a freaking kindergarden. Shit. Mexico is for pussies.

    Jakarta. Manila. Shenzhen. The world is a big place. Yeah, I know you hear about Bangkok, but that is just because some people will admit to the shit that goes down there.

    Jakarta makes Satan blush.

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  28. Really Ryan Seacrest is the best punchline ever. (I placed two comments today - can you tell I'm having lounge withdrawls?)

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  29. I take that back Ryan Seacrest, goats and monkeys - can never fail as a punchline.

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Be compelling.

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