Kwisatz Haderach

Ok, go get your geek hat, and put it on.
I'll wait here until you get back...

Alright, all set? Here we go.

As we've discussed before, approximately 13,700,000,000 years ago, the universe was probably born. Very very soon thereafter, our very own Milky Way Galaxy began to take shape, dragging it spindly arms across the cosmos.

All was well in this spiraling system for many billions of years, until recently, about 4,600,000,000 years ago, a massive cloud of galactic gas and dust collapsed, giving rise to our very own little yellow sun, and its eventual set of 8 planets and other odds and ends, nestled comfortably out in one of the galaxy's outer spiral arms.

And here we've sat, for several billion years, minding our own business, learning how to divide cells and photosynthesize the sun's light. Some of us developed legs and even thumbs. Some of us even shed our tails, climbed down out of the trees, and learned to use tools.

Not bad for monkeys made of star dust.

Now, all good things must come to an end, and well, the Universe is no exception. Generally speaking, in the end, one of two things will likely occur. First, the Universe will continue to expand into basic nothingness. Second, the Universe will stop expanding, then it will reverse course and collapse back in on itself. Ether way, within something like 1 trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion years from now it will all be over. Give or take...

Unfortunately, there won't be any human beings around to witness the end because just 5,000,000,000 years from now, as everyone knows, the Sun will will explode into a red giant, completely obliterating the Earth and the three other inner-planets. Well, Mars will actually escape the swollen corona, but its gonna be a bit toasty nonetheless.

Coincidentally, we humans aren't gonna be around for that one either, because just 3,000,000,000 years from now the Andromeda Galaxy is going to pile drive the Milky Way, right down the center, which will essentially turn most matter in both galaxies into soup.

Don't let that worry you, however, because we're never going to get there. See, there's an asteroid named Apophis (Egyptian god of destruction) which will be passing through our neighborhood in the year 2036. How close, you may ask?

Close.

At best, it will pass by Earth BELOW the orbit of most geosynchronous satellites. That's right, I said BELOW. And that's the best we can hope for. At worst, it will strike the Earth like a mountain-sized bullet somewhere of the Pacific Coast of North America, killing, well, me for sure, and probably all the rest of you too.

How, you may ask, can we as a race ever hope to survive these cataclysms. Can humankind see it through to the end?

Well sure. Of course we can. But first, there have to be a few changes. See, we've been going about this whole evolution thing all wrong. we've allowed it to progress on it's own schedule all hurdy-gurdy-like, a little dominant trait here, a little recessive gene there. That way of thinking is just not going to do it.

If we are going to survive, we must get off this rock, and get out into space, and frankly, we are woefully under equipped for such a move.

It is time, therefore to begin the long hurtful process of selective breeding. Like the mythological Kwisatz Haderach of Dune, we must breed our most desirable genes into one super human. One human being that can withstand the universe. One being who can be all things to all people.

Fortunately, NASA scientists, with the help of JPL and the European Space Agency have developed an image of what they expect this all-purpose super-human will look like, and here he is: