Thursday, August 03, 2006

I Do

I will officially officiate my third wedding on Saturday. I have spent the evening tweaking and tampering with my basic outline. Each couple, and therefore each wedding, is unique. While this wedding won't involve a buddhist chicken lamp or pre-existing children, it will involve 300 guests, a few horses, and more than a few cowboy hats.

With heterosexual marriages having a less-than-50% chance of survival, and homosexual marriages having less than a 0% chance of even getting started, one has to wonder how long marriage will last as a viable institution.

Well, this legally-ordained minister, for one, is doing his part to perpetuate the tradition.

I offered to wear a white buckskin suit with fringe on Saturday, but the bride declined my offer.

Reading for comprehension:
1. Are you looking to get hitched?
2. I don't charge any fee. (At least not yet...)
3. I do make up my fee by selling faith-healings for five bucks after the service though...


  1. I think I read about this in Revelations.

  2. Placing your hands on the bride's genitals is not faith healing. If you are collecting a fee for it, awesome.

  3. Joseph Smith8:57 AM

    Touching the bride before the ceremony will bless the genitals to produce many offspring.

  4. Anonymous9:14 AM

    Are Joseph Smith and Brian Smith related?

  5. closely, I assume

  6. Yes, I have the magic glasses to read the gold tablets. Stay off my planet!!

  7. I appologize to all LDS that I may have offended.

  8. As long as we're appologizing, I'd like to appologize once again to the Jews.

    Thank you.

  9. 1) Yes - or become a nun or get a pet - or become the pet of a nun- still thinking about it.

    2) I heard from Tom that there are other services you charge for.......not that there is anything wrong with that.

    3) Can I pay in nickels and get a little dance?

  10. reverend sun myung moon5:17 PM

    Pussy! I marry hundreds of couples at one time

  11. jerry falwell11:44 PM

    I like whores.


Be compelling.

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