Wednesday, August 30, 2006


A well regulated Militia,
being necessary to the security of a free State,
the right of the people to keep and bear Arms,
shall not be infringed.

I am NOT the NRA.

I am, however, an American who has read his Constitution. Say what you will about the risks, the pleasures, the dangers, the costs, the benefits, the mortality and the morality; we have the inalienable right to bear arms.

My regular readers and constant commenters are sure to state statistics, and you are certainly welcome to do so, but the fact remains, I love my gun. It is shiny and clean, well-oiled and meticulously-maintained. It is six inches of stainless steel that will raise tufts of dust from the ground when its heaviest loads are discharged.

Contrary to the obligatory title, my weapon was actually crafted, with a fine tradition of workmanship, by Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson. With the Monkey in mind, it is safely stored. Yet, it is also readily accessible to thwart any nerdowell at my stoop, bearing malicious intent.

Alas, the only casualty to have fallen before my muzzle sight was a willow, or perhaps it was an aspen. Carl may remember. Ryan was there too. Way atop Dorn Peak, at the end of the treacherous timber path, we had laid waste to any number of troublesome legal texts. The UCC took one through the heart, and I wasn't getting any refund on my shredded Federal Tax Code.

The day was dimming, and the sun had fallen behind the trees. Shadows grew long, and the coolness was setting in. Suddenly, there was a rustle from the woods behind us. There, at the edge of the clearing, it stood with a sadistic sway. I could have sworn it was coming right for us.

I opened up with massive muzzle flashes. Beside me, a shotgun came into play. Carl's 9 joined the defense, as did his Walther. Our aim was true, and our shots (at least most of them) found their target. The tree held fast though, dogged, determined.

It continued its attack on our position, nearly taking out Ryan. We stepped up our withering fire, and eventually we were rewarded by the telltale creak of falling lumber. Victory was ours.

Killer Trees: 0

It's been many years now, since the battle of Dorn Peak. I still get the gun out now and then for maintenance and care. There's nothing quite as pleasurable as gun cleaning out on the back deck. It's been far too long, however, since I've gone shooting.

Anyone got any law books they want to slaughter?

Reading for Comprehension:
1. Have you ever read the Constitution?
2. Do you know the difference between perambulatory clauses and operative phrases?
3. What is the biggest thing, if any, that you've ever shot?


  1. I love my gun. It is shiny and clean, well-oiled and meticulously-maintained. It is six inches of stainless steel that will raise tufts of dust from the ground when its heaviest loads are discharged

    You're talking about your cock again aren't you

  2. Let me think, Brian. That's actually a very good question. Ummm... I think the most powerful handgun I've fired was my father's .44 magnum caliber Contender pistol. That son of a bitch had some recoil to it, let me tell you. You know it's funny - after all those years growing up around those guns, I do not own at this time and never have. I should re-join the NRA again and the ACLU and invite them both over to the house for snacks.

  3. amanda7:28 AM

    Lisa, I was going to say, that it figures he'd be impressed by six inches...

  4. It was a Doug Fir.

    I understand it has relatives that still hold a grudge. We should head up there soon and show them who is boss before they get uppity. Sometimes a tree needs kill’n for no good reason. But sometimes you gots a reason.

    I think what finally brought it down was the 12 gauge slugs we pumped into it. Those sabot rounds are brutal.

    By the time we were done, that area had more lead than a Compton elementary school playground.

    Good times . . .

  5. Downing the tree was clearly an act of self defense. I recall we even yelled, "Stop or we will shoot!!! Drop your deadly branches now!!" Stupid tree did not listen.

    Although, I think the tree fell to the Shotgun's Magnum Buckshot, not slugs, but I could be wrong. My shoulder was hurting for a week after that barrage. But the needles were scared right off the Doug Fir with the firestorm coming out of Brian's gun.

    Its been too long.

  6. Anonymous12:34 PM

    There is something a little sad about grown men working so hard to make shooting trees sound macho.

  7. Oh come on anonymous, it was obviously a very vicious, scary tree....

    and Amanda, 6 inches, we know how Brian loves to exaggerate

  8. Eric Harris1:11 PM

    I shot my math teacher in the head. The insides were so beautiful.

  9. Dick cheney1:26 PM

    I shoot my friends.

  10. I hear Bri discharges organic his pants.

  11. ralphie2:12 PM

    I shot my eye out.

  12. I shot a frog once with a 12gauge.
    It's kinda like taking a grape, and then dropping a bulldozer on it.

  13. Charlton Heston2:22 PM

    Damn dirty trees!!

  14. aaron burr2:42 PM

    I shot Alexander Hamilton.

  15. jim jones2:46 PM

    I shot myself.

    Take that all you pussys!

  16. Jon Bon Jovi6:37 PM

    I was shot through the heart and you're to blame.

  17. Bob marley8:03 AM

    I shot the sherrif

  18. John Hinckley Jr.8:39 AM

    I shot Reagan, you can all kiss my butt.

  19. Jody Foster9:08 AM

    John Hinckley is hot!

  20. kurt cobain9:14 AM

    Courtney shot me.

  21. brandon lee9:37 AM

    I got shot - or DID I?


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