Thursday, August 03, 2006

Day of the Platypus

Howard Stern was playing a pre-recorded phony phone-call bit, which I generally find unfunny and irritating. As my daughter and I slugged through southbound I-5 traffic, I spun the dial and wound up on Sirius 103, Blue Collar (hill billy) Radio. Uncensored low-brow comedy, usually delivered with a twang.

Not surprisingly, Larry the Cable Guy was the featured performer. Now, I have conspiratorial theories about Larry, but I digress... Larry was yucking it up with the misanthropic masses, plucking through a cliche routine about firearms. "Guns don't kill people," he drawled. "People kill people. Why, my gun is no more likely to kill a man than my pencil is to misspell a word."

I drove along and let the words roll around in my head. Issues about the NRA, gun control, hunting and self defense swirled like cerebral soup. I realized that I never really bought the argument that guns were for hunting and killing animals rather than people.

I mean, that's entirely fucked up. Why kill animals? They never did anything bad. No, it's the people we need to kill. Guns are for killing people. And really, I'm comfortable with that.

Which lead my wayward thoughts back to the movie that I watched the other night. The Matador. A hedonistically deviant but lonely assassin, played by a rough-cut anti-Bond Pierce Brosnan, befriends a clueless but sweet Greg Kinnear. Pierce teaches Greg the secrets of the killing game.

Traffic picked up, my daughter ate another cracker, and I started weighing the possibility of becoming a hitman. I could do it I think, paid assassin, government killer. I could snipe a target from the grassy knoll.

The best part of the job is the cool nickname. All of the best killers have them. I think I would wand to be The Platypus. I could leave a calling card with my targets, black platypus on a glossy red background. I could do it. I could fly to Prague on a moment's notice and exterminate the Latvian finance minister from 500 yards. Then, leave my card. My enemies would fear me...

Reading for Comprehension
1. It's been ages since I went shooting. Who wants to go?
2. Have you seen The Matador? It's a quirky little flick. I give it a thumbs up.
3. What would you feel worse about: running over a chipmunk or shooting a burglar in the head? Thought so...


  1. You mean that instead of being a lawyer, you would like some sort of job where you fly around the world, going to exotic locals and do the dark biddings of others?

    A hit man.

    An international gladiator.

    Someone both feared and respected.
    Maybe someone holding a certain level of recognition and respect and accorded privileges by the various countries of the world. Waived through to inner circles in communist China. Granted access to the courts of Den Hague.

    You believe that the guns and danger would excite you? Maybe going to Jakarta one day, Hong Kong the next. Meeting in one country with a crime lord, cooperate executives in another, and in a third conferring with rebel leaders deep in the jungle to negotiate a peace quelling a revolution. Someone that has the power, respect and fear of his enemies that he is accorded an audience with those that would have you killed. Staring them down and instilling in them the knowledge that you are immortal and beyond their touch. Drinking the blood of vipers, even in the viper's den.

    A quick phone call and your ready packed bags are whisked to the airport where you are handed tickets as you board a jet not even knowing your final destination. In the evenings you are plied with fine food, liquors, and exotic women. A job where your employers consider it a part of their duty to you to keep you sated and at all times happy knowing that their being depends on your success. Knowing that you are unique and there is no second, replacement or alternate.

    Sometimes with an entourage. Sometimes the lone wolf.

    Where there is danger, trouble, where there is conflict, and not even knowing if there is a solution they call you?
    You wish to be the one last hope?

    No my friend. There are no such jobs in the world anymore.
    That is for the world of movies and comic books.

    Be happy at your desk. Take your calls. Drive the same road to and from your office each day in comfortable safety.

    We should catch up.
    Maybe I will stop by your office later today.
    Maybe I will call from Tokyo tomorrow.
    I have meetings in Manila next week, but there should be some time Friday.
    Though I confess, I do not know where I will be on Friday.

  2. Posted at 4:30 a.m.?? Little touch of insomnia?

  3. The whole world is going to Beijing time. I am already there.

  4. Anonymous10:43 AM

    There are no such jobs in the world anymore.

    I don't think they ever existed. They are the wet dream of middle-aged men.

  5. Bri - can I hire you to take anonymous out???

  6. you assume there is only one annonymous...

  7. Anonymous11:08 AM

    And, Ev, he'd sooner kill you than me.

  8. Anonymous11:29 AM

    Sometimes I tuck my sack back,rub my nipples and pretend that Im anonymous.

    Brian, I have seen you with a gun. Actually, been shot by you as well. I think you might have a go at it but I would use the Austin Powers image.

    Carl, I have some Ambien you can borrow for that insomnia. To be honest, your comment was way better then Brian's post.

  9. the last anonymous was me

  10. amanda2:36 PM

    I think you need a new rating system. Nothing to do with thumbs. You have two belly buttons. Use that. I give it a marginal belly button seal of approval... Or, That was a film worthy of two fully exposed belly buttons... Something.

  11. jame gumb3:40 PM

    I have to say I'm impressed by Dr. Brian. Most people hadn't figured out who anonymous is.

  12. It's cute that Dr. Brian has finally impressed someone

  13. Anonymous10:46 PM

    The word verification for this comment was killyourmom. That kinda freaks me out.

  14. someone who knows brian11:42 PM

    I chuckle at the thought of Brian with a gun. Top siders, striped polo and a gun he doesn't know how to use. I shudder (from laughing).

  15. Anonymous10:23 AM

    Wow, someone who knows Brian. Because that is such a novelty on this blog.

  16. Coach Dole2:29 PM

    Instead of Brian in a kayak imagine him aiming a pecision killing device. Sure hope he shoots better then he can play tennis.

  17. Brian spends a little too much time without pants, to be a hitman.


Be compelling.

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