Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Boar

You're not bored are you?


Oh come on, I only have one post left on this topic.

OK, OK, FINE! I'll punch it up a little...

So now, let's see, where were we? Oh ya, it was our last day in town. It had been a long visit. We had seen much. We had done much. I was in need of a nap.

Tom and Brian headed out together, probably to a bath house. Who knows.

I was a lone in the room. The curtains were closed. So, I laid down on the bed to catch some sleep. (Yes, that may or may not be code for "masturbation.")

Suddenly the room was filled with a heavy heat and darkness. I sensed that I was not alone, and I heard a deep raspy hissing from the foot of the bed.

I saw her eyes first, red, glowing with pulsating evil. It was a devil in the shape of an attractive underwear model.

I could feel her stare through my soul. And slowly, she raised her well-manicured finger at me and demanded that I do her bidding...

"Meester Geen and Toonic..." she cooed, "ye shall com and do mee beeding..."

"Uh, alright," I said. And looking back, I think I meant it.

""Ye shall gaether unto meeee, 13 Chinese babies, first born uncircumcised males. Oh, and 5 gallons of soy sauce..."

"Huh?" I replied. "That's it? That's your evil master plan??"

"Yessss... Oh, and I neeed a Hibachi. Charcoal, if you can fiiiind one."

Stupid plan, yes, but still I felt compelled to assist her diabolical machinations.

Then, in the distance, I heard the hoofs of angelic horses approaching fast with their heavenly host. Beautiful angels, topless, with really great angel tits, rode into the room. The wrath of God was in their eyes. Although, to be honest, I had a hard time maintaining eye contact.

A brief battle ensued, but the victory of my saviors was pre-ordained. They smote the devil down, saving the lives of countless scores of little boys from China.

I remained sitting in a daze. Shocked. Stunned. Their leader approached me and shook me back to my senses.

"You have been soiled by the unclean succubus. Come, we shall bathe you in light and grace." Whereupon, they took me by the hand and led be to a soapy baptism in the bathroom.

"Oh most merciful and large-breasted beings from Heaven. I am most grateful for your intervention. Please, tell me, is there anything I can do to return the favor? Anything at all?"

They thought for a spell, and finally replied, "Well, yes, there is one thing. You can kill Sasquatch for us. Gabriel, our supervisor, really hated that hairy fucker. He apparently stiffed our boss after a poker game, or something...."

"Christ! Kill Sasquatch?? I don't even know where he lives!"

"No worries," they said, "we'll take you to him." And with that, I was lifted to the back of a heavenly horse, and we rode, literally like the wind, into the dark forest of the Sierra Nevada.

They led me to a rough shack, high above a glacial valley. They also handed me a gun, which I could see had been wiped clean of serial numbers.

I knocked, and Sasquatch opened the door...

It was awkward, but I slowly explained about the devil and the angels and how Gabriel wanted him dead.

"Oh that winy winged queen!" Sasquatch said with disdain. "Whine whine whine! That's all that little bitch ever does. No, it has nothing to do with a poker game. No, we were lovers, but I caught him having a three way with some leprechauns and I threw his sweet little angel ass out. And now, he's just pissed because I kept the victorian mahogany beveled cheval mirror. That bitch!"

Sasquatch went off and pouted, but I recognized this spat for what it was, and decided against killing Bigfoot.

The Angels got pissed off and left. So, the big ape-man gave me a lift back to town.

That night, after a long day, Dr. B's cousins took us to a place whose name I cannot remember. It had something to do with a Boar, like "The Boar's Head" or "The Brass Boar." I just don't remember.

It was a dark step-down venue. But that is all I remember of the place. The food, however, is the key. Starving, I ordered large, and soon a platter of pasta came my way. It was bow tie pasta, with fresh basil and three kinds of sausage. The sauce was dark and garlicky, punctuated with mushrooms and onions. Kalamata olives. Many different flavors of melting cheese. It didn't just hit the spot; it hit every spot.

And all these years later, I can still recall it being the best meal I ever had.


  1. Anonymous7:35 AM

    Bow-tie seem like an odd choice for that sauce.

  2. We waited all week for that?

  3. Thank God it's Friday....

  4. That sounds yummy and makes me want to cook . . .

  5. So the point of this story was that Dr. Brian was scared of gay people, you ate some pasta and Tom fed a homeless person in San Francisco.

    Got it.

  6. I think that the story additions really punched it up a bit

  7. Oosje4:33 PM

    I found this week's blog entries to be very entertaining and well written. The last one was the weakest, but you made up for it at the beginning of the week. I got some good chuckles.

    I'll bet you didn't even know what a kalamata olive was then! Trips like that must have done a lot to broaden your horizons, young church boy that you were...

  8. Succubus is what I call my step-monster!

  9. Finally you post something that's true about that trip....


Be compelling.

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