Monday, May 05, 2008

Sam Houston

Sam Houston was Born in Virginia in 1793. His father was known for his unusual height, and his mother was once said to have the strength of three men.

At an early age, on a family excursion to the Adirondack mountains, Sam had the opportunity to meet an elderly (and somewhat intoxicated) Benjamin Franklin, who remarked in passing that "That Houston boy shows tremendous aplomb."

Never allowing a day to go by in his life without recalling his chance meeting with patriotic greatness, Sam set out to be all he could be.

In 1812, he volunteered under, then Captain, Andrew Jackson to run a suicide mission against British fortifications along the Chesapeake Bay. His mission was successful and he volunteered for three more, earning him the Congressional Bronze Badge of Superlative Greatness.

Then, he became a lawyer.

At the age of 25 he was named Attorney General of Tennessee and given command of the state's militia. At 29, he was elected to Congress, and by 31, he was Governor of Tennessee.

Then, in 1832, having been sorely insulted by a pompous historical nobody while on a visit to Washington DC, He beat the poor sad bastard to near death with a hickory cane on the side walk of Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House.

In an attempt to escape the heat from the savage beating incident, he emigrated, illegally, to Mexico.

Well, Texas, but at that time, it still belonged to Mexico. So...

It seems, back then, in the 1830s, Texas had a serious problem with illegal immigration. Thousands of undocumented Whites from Tennessee were moving south across the border. Many local Texans were heard, at the time, saying: "Holly sheet! Wot de fuck are we gonna do wit all of dees Whities takin over da place??"

Tensions flared, and Sam was named Major General of the (White) Texas Army. Which should not be confused with the other (brown) Texas Army led by Generalissimo Santa Anna.

Houston began to lose battles to Santa Anna almost immediately. At about that time, Lieutenant Colonel William Travis, sent urgent word to Houston from a tiny Mission in San Antonio called the Alamo. Travis essentially said, "Hey, Santa Anna is coming and I could use some help here."

Houston, of course, had other plans. And well, we know how the Alamo ended.

Houston, however, was quite the clever commander, and having later discovered Santa Anna's forces asleep during their mid-day siesta, he launched an all out attack, and destroyed the (brown) Texas Army.

Then, they made him President of Texas.

Then, Texas joined the United states as a pro-slave state.

Then, Texas joined the Confederacy.

Then, It joined the United States again

Then, Sam Became a US senator from Texas.

Then, he became the Governor of the State of Texas. (Making him the only person to have been elected governor of two states)

Then, He invented bubble gum.

Then, he died.

Somewhere along the way, they named a shitty little swamp town after him, which over the years has become the center of the Texas rail road industry, the cattle industry, the oil industry and eventually, the central command for NASA's space exploration.

Houston is now the fourth largest city in the United States.

And, as of Thursday, I'll be there. It's another biker conference for work. Just me and 2,000 hardcore bikers, descending on Houston for the weekend.

I've never spent any time in Texas, let alone Houston.

Anyone have any tips?

(And by "tips," I mean "Strip clubs" natch...)


  1. Oosje7:30 AM

    Duh! You're going to a Bikers conference! Every one of them will know where the strip clubs are. Yup, just you and 200 Bikers going to the strip clubs together. Those places are just waiting for y'all.

  2. It is supposed to be 90 degrees down there on Thursday. We know you love the heat. Sounds like at least a 4-straw superhighway of gin may be in order.

  3. I was born in Houston.

  4. Time to dust off the leather chaps and polish up the nut jewlry.

  5. Don't forget your chaps and cowboy hat.

  6. Oosje! All of the bikers are from out of town too. I'm their lawyer, so they'll be asking me where teh good clubs are...

    JB, I'm scared.

    Dr. B, I haven't gotten the nut jewelry back since the last time I loaned them to you... Please wash them off before you return them though...

    Inog, I was really counting on your entertainment advice...

    Marge, I look silly in hats, doubly so in hats with brims.

  7. Lucky Red10:06 AM

    Hailing from LA, you might be under the mistaken belief that only those who speak Spanish get the shit kicked out of them for no reason- but as illustrated by your history lesson, even pompous historical types do in Texas. So here's some tips to what to say when there:
    "Do I like Country music?? there any other kind?"
    "Micro-brewed what? Get me a Coors in a can littl' darlin'- and none of that light calories -gay boy stuff"
    "no darlin' no need to take off your boots- cuz when we're done, you're leavin' anyhow...SAVE A HORSE- RIDE A COWBOY"

  8. Lucky red you forgot:

    "I'd rather eat shit then drive a Jap truck"

  9. Dr. B makes a good point, nothing but American made in Texas. Go FORD trucks!

  10. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. (Don't worry Dr. B., I'm going to brush and floss straight away!)

  11. Oh christ, I forgot about the cowboys... the hats... the giant fucking belt buckles...

    Dear lord.

    Perhaps my burly biker buddies will protect me.

  12. Lucky Red10:31 AM

    BS- my bad baby- jack up your Chevy and maybe I'll let you drive me to the church revival...

  13. You better make good friends with one of those burly bikers...cowboys don't like city boys...just sayin'....

  14. He's not really a city boy. He's more a suburb boy. Our resident perv would be just as uncomfortable in NYC as he will in Houston.

  15. If I knew anything about Houston strip clubs, I would share.

    But sorry, I just don't.

    Hell, I have not been to a strip club in years.

  16. Resident Perv10:53 AM

    Fewer cowboys in New York. I'd be just fine...

  17. A coked up wraithlike model could beat your ass.

  18. coked up wraithlike model11:13 AM

    But it would cost him $50

  19. cowboy11:24 AM

    Save a horse. Ride a coked up wraithlike model! But I want to watch.

  20. I don't think these sound like your cup of tea. All that upscale gentleman's club business may mean super high cover charge, and an over-priced atmosphere. Think oil money.

  21. I think I'll just lock myself in my room and hide from the scary cowboys.

  22. By lock himself in his room, Mr. G&T means "in-room entertainment." Domino's isn't the only service that delivers.

    If all else fails, Spectravision.

  23. Lucky red, my jacked up chevy is called a "bro dozer" just so you know. I even have the chevy tatoo going on. Go NASCAR... go #88

    Amanda, Bulimia is so '87

  24. midnight cowboy2:09 PM

    how'd you like to spend a cold night in a warm mouth?

  25. But I just love that "hollowed out" look. And the 80s are back, Dr. B. Look at the resurgence in 80s inspired fashions, music, and haircuts! The 80s were out, and now they're retro, so they're back in again!

  26. Simon le Bon2:30 PM

    Cherry ice cream smile
    I suppose it's very nice

  27. All this talk of cowboys, bikers and the 80s steer my thoughts to The Village People

    Not sure where the lawyer fits in though...

  28. Dale Earnhardt Jr.2:49 PM

    I like to take bubble baths with teenage boys

  29. Dale Earnhardt Jr.2:50 PM

    oh, and cowboys...

  30. Calvin Harris2:52 PM

    That's acceptable.

  31. These are people who had to have 'Rickroll' explained to them in May 2008. They may not understand that reference...

  32. Lucky Red3:03 PM

    BS- and are those tats on your biceps and of big red flames...?

  33. Hey now that I got my hair transplants I can do my hair in a wave again!!
    Maybe I should start tight rolling my pants again.

    There has to be a Smith's reunion now.

  34. Dr. B: You have hair implants? Seriously?

  35. Dr.B's hair plugs3:36 PM

    Seriously, he does.

  36. Theres not one person in that dentist office that doesn't have something fake.

    But he's saving the boob job for next year...

  37. Morrissey3:45 PM

    I am sick and I am dull
    And I am plain
    How dearly I'd love to get carried away
    Oh, but dreams have a knack of just not coming true
    And time is against me now

  38. Mrs b.s.4:15 PM

    Maybe he should get a penis implant

    just sayin'.....

  39. Yep I'm one of those guys walking on the beach in the Bosley commercial. Hurt like a mother fucker too. However, the donor site was my ass crack so I got pube head now.

    Dont worry I don't have doll hair head. It looks good my therapist tells me.

    Lisa, its a requirment to work for me that your implants are at least 450cc.

    But I digress...I miss Helly

  40. Now there's a great idea Mrs. could start having all sorts of fun at home

  41. How big is 450cc - I do mls, or cup size....

    Oh and I thought the lounge would have blogged about Scarlet's engagement.

    Poor Brian...

  42. Dr. B, what size of penis implant are you going to get? 450cc's. What size is that anyhow?

  43. easy rider5:08 PM

    technically, it's the total displacement of a small motorcycle engine

  44. Tight Ass5:08 PM

    A 450cc penis implant!? Get thee away from me, Mandingo!

  45. Whitest Mandingo I've ever seen...

  46. Mandingo5:17 PM

    I have enough for everyone...

  47. You must be something else Mandingo

  48. coked-up wraithlike model5:20 PM

    Hey Mandingo, can I get your number?

  49. mandingo5:22 PM

    Mandingo split coked-up wraith like model in half

  50. b.s. said...
    But I digress...I miss Helly

    You miss me? Or you miss the fodder for your haranguing? ;-P

  51. hair plugs5:39 PM

    Having come from BS's ass crack, we can tell you that we've seen our share of Mandingos

  52. dr. b.s.'s asshole7:56 PM

    With some of the hair gone, he might be able to wipe me enough to avoid the skid marks now.


  53. b.s. and the transplants9:37 PM

    oh goodie, look at all this attention I am getting. I must be one of the popular kids now.

  54. Anonymous9:37 PM

    what a great band name

  55. Anonymous10:32 PM

    You're one of the cool kids BS because you come across as such a nice guy.

  56. I think it's that air of mystery that all dentists have. Or maybe it's the ambiguously gay mystique left over from the high school era videos. I think it's probably the former.

  57. Jesus Christ12:39 AM

    Looks like Dr. B is more popular than me...


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