Tuesday, April 03, 2007

XXI

Section 1
The
eighteenth article of amendment to the Constitution of the United States is hereby repealed.

Section 2
The transportation or importation into any State, Territory, or possession of the United States for delivery or use therein of intoxicating liquors, in violation of the laws thereof, is hereby prohibited.

In a hair-raising display of hair-brained tea-totaling utopianism gone awry, the unholy union of proto-feminists and prairie-fed protestant fundamentalists conspired with congress, and ratified the 18th Amendment to the United States Constitution in 1919. This was, effectively, the only criminal statute to ever rise to such a rank, and as such, was unique in its subjugation of the individual at the point of the collective governmental screw.

Booze was banned, or more specifically, it was prohibited...

This was, of course, timed well with the end of WWI. "Welcome home from the Great War boys! have a soda pop."

Violence ensued as blood and booze spilled into the streets. Crime and corruption escalated until 1929, when 3 of the 4 horsemen were released en masse by a pissed-off god upon Babylon.

The Depression was, well, depressing, and good old Mr. Roosevelt realized that, goddammit, the people just needed a drink!
Sooo... along came, in rapid fashion, the Twenty First Amendment, that said, essentially: "Nevermind!" And in so lifting Prohibition, as you can read above, the federal government said to the states: "Go figure it out your selves.."

That is why in Louisiana you can have full-contact strippers in full-liquor bars, but in California, while you can buy hard booze at Albertsons, you have to drink Pepsi at the titty club.

Oh, and Oregon? Right. We have the OLCC. The deeply-hated government commission that owns and licenses ALL of the liquor stores in the state. You can't buy booze unless you buy it from the government, and those stores close early.

EARLY!

And that is why, my friends, I sit here, near midnight, with an empty bottle of scotch, and there is not a goddamned thing I can do about it.





12 comments:

  1. Just shows how lame you are that you would only have one bottle at a time.

    Next time get an Islay, Highland and always keep a blend on hand.

    And you need a few burbons and wiskeys.

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  2. other7:05 AM

    Damn, only one bottle in the house at a time? I'm drinking at inog's.

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  3. Anonymous7:25 AM

    Poor Baby!

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  4. Anonymous9:24 AM

    I have a bottle of Bombay. And a bunch of those tiny little bottles of tonic. And some fresh limes. Wanna come over?

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  5. I have cherry flavoured fruit wine if you want to be a girly lightweight

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  6. Dude, lame. Scope and listerine both are about 40 proof. Ever hear of glue or spray paint? If you lived down here I could keep ya up to your elbows in vicoden.

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  7. I had this argument with my 7th grade social studies teacher. I'm disappointed that I have to have it with you.

    Booze was not prohibited. It was not illegal. Booze itself was never at issue.

    The Eighteenth Amendment banned the manufacture, sale, transport, import and export of booze was prohibited. And, it was effective a year after ratification.

    So, technically, if you spent a year stockpiling booze in your basement, you could sit there and drink it all day and night with your friends.

    Both the amendment and the OLCC encourage stockpiling. How is it that you haven't learned that yet?

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  8. You could have drove drunk to my house. I have Lagavulin 16 Year and Dalwhinnie 15 year. I also have cigars, more booze, wine and beer (no Pabst though, sorry Inog).

    The better drinking experience is clearly at Inog's house though since you could also include keg stands.

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  9. #1 UX is right. UX is almost always right.


    #2 Yeah.. I usually bring back 2-4 bottles of booze every time I go through customs. I will need a new house soon. Or I could open my own bar.

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  10. I find myself in complete Agreement -
    I have a couple bottles of Bombay, a wine fridge full of wine, a good.. dozen or so bottles of scotches and a handful of Burbon - just in case. Then, should the need arise, some beer, some vodka, tequila, guaro, and cachaça.

    Good heavens man!! One bottle of scotch!?

    Though - I have shared the pain of that silly OLCC and its impact on strip clubs... Sad.

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  11. Oosje1:18 AM

    I'll have to remedy that next time I'm in town. I KNOW where the state-run liquor store is!

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  12. kidney8:21 PM

    Thank the Lord!

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Be compelling.

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