Wednesday, April 18, 2007


The remarkable Code of Hammurabi (1760 BC) is considered the first written public law. It is genius in its simplicity, yet it is exhaustively complete. 282 paragraphs cover the whole of civil and criminal law. Contracts, Sales, Probate, Taxes, Torts, Property, Evidence and Administration. It's all there.

Of course,bits of it are barbaric, at least by today's standards. However, perhaps, what we need today is a bit more barbarism...

Here are a few of my favorite bits:

If any one steal cattle or sheep, or an ass, or a pig or a goat, if it belong to a god or to the court, the thief shall pay thirtyfold; if they belonged to a freed man of the king he shall pay tenfold; if the thief has nothing with which to pay he shall be put to death.
If any one break a hole into a house (break in to steal), he shall be put to death before that hole and be buried.
If a man put out the eye of another man, his eye shall be put out.
[ An eye for an eye ]

If he break another man's bone, his bone shall be broken.
If a man knock out the teeth of his equal, his teeth shall be knocked out.
[ A tooth for a tooth ]

So, then, under the code, what should be done, what is just, when someone breaks my things and steals my stuff? Because really, that is my button. That is what gets my goat. That is the one penal peeve that particularly gets on my very last nerve.

I have a high degree of tolerance for insult and offense. I can turn my cheek with the best of them.

But, when it come to my stuff, the stuff that I work for, the stuff that I care for, the stuff that becomes an extension of me, what should be done to the violator?

There is nothing noble about a thief. A thief is a coward. A lazy piece of shit coward. And when a worthless cock-sucking piece-of-pig-shit son-of-a-whore shatters windows in my car and takes my things, leaving my wife and my daughter stranded; what action would not be justified?

Oh sure, the goddamn good-for-nothing jizz-guzzling chicken-fucker will never be caught.

But if he is... If he is...

I can at least fantasize about horse tranquilizers, duct tape and baseball bats, can't I?

My last fucking nerve. I'm telling you.


  1. The best car alarm: James Bond in the Spy Who Loved Me. His car just blew up when thiefs tried to break in.

  2. Jesus, fine. I'll mail you the fucking rake back.

  3. Anonymous10:24 AM

    Look at the bright side--At least you didn't have client files in the car. And yes, I know someone who did, in fact, leave client files in the car to be stolen by a ne'er do well. The PLF and clients were NOT impressed.

  4. the miscreant10:27 AM

    Ahhhh....but duuuuude, I had to score some killer meth. At least when I get caught, I'll get a few free nights of food and lodging at your expense. It's a win-win, see?

  5. Mrs. G&T11:27 AM

    Dear Miscreant,

    You are not only a cocksucker, but a stupid one at that. If meth was your goal, you should have taken something that actually had value. There were several items that you had to choose from. You, however, took things that merely inconvenience Brian and his family, and have no actual possibility of being converted to any amount of meth. I think part of Brian's problem is that you are so stupid. To be robbed is one thing, to be robbed by an idiot is somehow far worse.

  6. miscreant12:22 PM

    Mrs G & T-

    Well, my mommy didn't love me and my daddy skipped town and so I can blame society for my bad behavior. That's why I'm not too bright. Luckily, lawyers can get me off on a technicality. Know any?

    But sorry about you and the kid. Bet karma gets me for that one, huh?

  7. Karma... baseball bat...

  8. Mrs. G&T1:31 PM


    What, if you were just a Broadway star you wouldn't be such a stupid cocksucker? I don't buy it. Neither would Officer Krupke.


Be compelling.

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