Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Toys I Never Had

Sasquatch, for starters...

Oh sure, I had Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man...
What, with his looking-glass eye, press-button actuated arm, and accessory orange rubber steel beam.

Oh and don't forget my favorite government bureaucrat action figure, Oscar Goldman, with his polyester suit and tricky exploding briefcase.

But I never had Sasquatch. Oh the years of creative learning and friendly diversity-play that I missed out on. Sure, Sasquatch was a socially retarded Neolithic puppet of war-mongering aliens... But he was Steve Austin's friend! They could have rescued countless Barbies together. I mean, it's not like Oscar came with climbing gear.
At the very least, Sasquatch could have cock-blocked GI Joe, while Steve made time with the ladies...

23 comments:

  1. Anonymous6:20 AM

    You are going to have the BEST time being the daddy of a boy. You'll get to watch all the star wars episodes over and over and over. You'll get to play legos for hours on end (and I hear the pieces are MUCH cooler now then in the 70's). You'll get to be various superheros or, better yet, villians. It will be super cool if you can belch or fart really loud. Oh......wait....you already do all that stuff now, huh? Well, at least now you'll have a more socially acceptable reason for doing it. Because I know how much you care about being socially acceptable. Not.

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  2. Whoa. Major burn throwing out the early 90s taunts.

    Remember when all the elementary school kids wore the "Not!" t shirts? Lame.

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  3. Anonymous9:29 AM

    Nope. Don't remember it. I was a grown up by then.

    But, ya know, "Lame" is an excellent come back. Good job.

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  4. the storm trooper9:59 AM

    Actually, your mom got you Sasquatch, but I convinced him to run off with me. We now run an upscale salon in the Haight district catering to interspecies clientele. Have you seen the Geico Cavemen? They wouldn't have their own series without us.

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  5. the monkey10:01 AM

    I can belch and fart louder than my Daddy.

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  6. Well, yes, it is an excellent come back. Especially in person when you can really exaggerate the "a" sound.

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  7. Anonymous12:41 PM

    Not.

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  8. Doesn't cock-block mean for a lady to shut down a guy's attempt to have sex with her? What kind of creative play were you having with GI Joe and Steve Austin as a child. I'm a bit worried.

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  9. Cock block can be used toward anyone who gets in the way to shut down potential "goings on." For instance, if Brian and I go out for a beer and I totally make eyes with some dude, Brian's presence is a potential cock block, as eyes-dude might wrongly assume I'm having times with Brian. If anyone prevents a cock getting whipped out, it can be construed as cock blocking.

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  10. So for instance, say Brian wanted to get nasty with Bionic Sasquatch. If Steve Austin used his bionic grip karate chop to strike Brian's genitals thus preventing Sasquatch intercourse, would Steve Austin be perceived to have cock-blocked Brian? Could we call Steve Austin Brian's cock-blocker?

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  11. Yes, I believe that to be a rational conclusion.

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  12. Also, the Sasquatch might not want to get involved if he sees Steve Austin make such a proprietary move. After all, he could rationally assume that Steve Austin is marking his territory, saying this man's genitals are all mine. If anyone is going to turn him into a sub, it's going to be me.

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  13. or he might just want to hit Brian in the bollocks

    I feel deprived - I only had my brother's Action Man to get jiggy with my Sindy dolls

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  14. Sasquatch4:19 PM

    Mrs. G&T - Despite the implications above, I am not fucking your husband. Steve Austin and I have been in a committed relationship for many years now. Once you go bionic, you never go back.

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  15. I only had Hawaiian Ken, which made it really complicated to have healthy relationships between my Barbies. They were always fighting over him, and frankly he was such a layabout, he'd just sit there clad only in shorts with a stupid grin on his face.

    Also, it's very possible that if the G.I. Joes were involved in a scenario where they were competing with Steve Austin and Sasquatch, that one of the Joes would be a Bear lover, and hit on Sasquatch. Don't ask, don't tell. I'm thinking it would be the Sargeant that only wore a vest that would be going south with Sas...

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  16. A - you seem to know a lot about these action dolls..

    were any of them battery operated? Did Steve's bionic arm vibrate?

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  17. Lisa, I honestly don't know. I was really more of a She-Ra girl. Remember, I'm only 26. Although if I was going to go for a vibrating feature it better be the size of a baby's arm, not a small action figure's forearm.

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  18. yeah, thanks for the age reminder...

    haven't you got a car to go wreck?

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  19. I have managed to not get behind the wheel yet. I believe they're saving that for the weekend. "Church parking lot" was mentioned. I guess my continual muttering of "Oh Jesus" will have added impact.

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  20. Anonymous5:46 PM

    a.- don't you have a job?

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  21. 1. I'm on the east coast. 2. Nope. My place of employment was unceremoniously closed, and I am in a period of adjustment.

    Thanks for caring!

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  22. Mrs. G&T9:19 PM

    I have to give kudos to A. for simultaneously carrying the detailed conversation about cock-blocking in the Lounge and a very G-rated conversation with Oosje over at Strider's House. Thanks for not crossing wires on those, too. While Oosje can play in both sandboxes, other visitors to Strider's House would have had their heads explode.

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Be compelling.

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