Thursday, November 09, 2006

Dinner for Two

Time was short and I was hungry. It was past noon, and the tummy was grumbling. Apparently that grande coffee and Rice Crispy treat wasn't the breakfast-of-champions that I thought it was.

There were things to do, motions to file, letters to write. So, I jumped in the car and made a run for the border. Well, not a border in any literal political sense. I went to Taco Bell.

And there I sat, with discarded Burrito Supreme and soft taco wrappers strewn across the mauve laminate table. I was reading the day's newspaper. This was not so much to catch up on the current events, as it was an attempt to not look like the hapless friendless lunch loser I really am.

I flipped idly through the pages, discarding useless sections like the classifieds and Sports. It was Tuesday, so I glanced through the special Food section. It occasionally has interesting BBQ ideas.

I came across an odd article about an old man who learned how to cook by making soup in his backyard as a child. It didn't make sense when I read it, and it makes less sense now that I am recalling it.

Regardless, the man was asked: "If you could invite anyone in history to dinner, who would it be?"

Pretentiously, and predictably, he said: "Thomas Jefferson. I'd ply him with an Oregon Pinot Noir. While he talked, I'd cook. What a wonderful occasion that would be."

Now, the man lived in Northeast Portland. So, more than likely, while he cooked, Jefferson would be making time with the attractive African-American lady next door. But I digress.

I sat stewing in my refried-bean-induced lethargy, thinking to myself, "well, self, who the hell would you invite to dinner?"

The possibilities swam wildly through my imagination.

Jesus, perhaps: "Excuse me, Mr. Son of Man, could you heal my pancreas? No? Right, I didn't think so..."

Julius Caesar: "Yes sir, we call them 'The French' now, and no, they're not quite as tough as when you fought them..."

Nicolaus Copernicus: "...Right, eight. I mean, there were nine, but someone change the definition."

Leonardo DiVinci: "Tell the truth Leo, that really is you in the picture, right?"

Napoleon: "You're the military genius here, but I'm just saying, you might want to avoid taking little naps during large battles in Belgium..."

All of these guests would make for fine fellowship and delightful dinner discourse. However, if I were ever presented with the option of selecting anyone in history to dine with, I'd probably choose Christina Ricci. I mean, I always serve wine with dinner, and if I got her drunk, she might make out with me.

(Yes, I am married, but Christina is on the Laminated List, so it's OK.)


  1. I’d pick my wife. And I don’t just say that in the hopes that she will see this and I will get some.

    She is my favorite person to have dinner with. Then my kids. Then there is a host of other family members and close friends, even including in the top 20 to 30 the Mr. and Ms. G & T.

    But going with the premise that the person selected is someone that: 1) I would not normally be able to have dinner with (“impossible”); 2) We would be able to freely communicate; 3) They would want to and actively exchange in a dialogue. Then I would pick:

    1) Either of my grandfathers – Yeah, I know they are “family” but they are also dead, and thus in the impossible category. I miss them. They were both great men.
    2) Augustine of Hippo – St. Augustine. Have you read City of God? Get a copy and then get back to me.
    3) Buddha (Siddhartha) – Yes, it would limit the meal choices, but this is the enlightened one, not some western god riding on daddy’s coat tails.

    If you went to the “possible” but “highly unlikely” then it would be the Dalai Lama.

  2. Your story reminds me of when I called you from the parking lot of Pomona First Babtist Church. I recall I was also eating taco bell.
    It was fun to remember when we used to pretend to believe in god to get pussy. Oh yeah, you did have Amy first.

  3. Inog, you forgot to take your anti-emo medicine today. I'm firing up the EMO-3000 on your ass.

    Brian, I am disappointed that you mentioned Christina Ricci without posting a seductive picture of her. Thats not like you.

    b.s. Thanks for using the word pussy. Its been too long.

    Ryan's choices for dinner: 1) Jesus, Son of Man; 2) Gandolf the White; 3) Obi-Wan (blue floatie guy).

    I would really get the same answers from any of the three.

  4. Nathan Fillion or Ewan MacGregor, for much the same reasons as Christina, or, all my American friends.
    Or if we're being historical Florence Nightingale

  5. This is an easy one for me - my father. And it would have to be Thanksgiving dinner just to round out the irony since that's the day he died. Gotta love a man with a sense of humor right up to the end.

  6. I'd pick Nicole Richie...but only if I'm picking up the tab.

  7. Mrs. G&T8:44 AM

    Joss Whedon.


Be compelling.

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