You Have to believe Me

I get lied to all day long. I expect to get lied to. It's part of my job.

Witnesses lie to me. Opposing counsel lies to me. Clients lie to me. Friends lie to me. Relatives lie to me. Every body lies. Well, almost everybody. I'm pretty sure that my wife doesn't generally lie.

I don't care. I ignore what most people say anyway.

I even enjoy being lied to sometimes, like when I'm looking at a five-year three-page criminal history for a witness who is, at the same time, testifying under oath that he has never been convicted of ANYTHING...


Human beings are generally dishonest at heart. We are vain, greedy, self-centered cowards. We as a species are capable of monumental obfuscation. Wealth, power, even self-preservation depends on it.

I don't expect the truth, and I won't hold it against you if I catch you in a fib, unless of course you are a greedy filthy plaintiff, and I have you in my sights on the witness stand, punk ass!

True truthfulness is rare, but refreshing. It is also awkward to deal with. Lies are just so much more comfortable.

OK, so, having been the target of so many lies for so long, I've gotten pretty good at reading the tells. Here are just a few tid bits:

1) If you confront someone with a factual inconsistency, and they instantly flash a relaxed smile and laugh like to told a mildly amusing joke, you have just nailed them dead to rights.

2) Raised eyebrows with an exaggerated "What??" is also a sure sign of guilt.

3) Raised eyes, darting left and right, with a rambling story of mismatched facts is a physiological tell-tale sign of creative story telling.

4) If they say: "Trust me," "believe me," or "Would I lie?" Don't trust them or believe them because they are, in fact, lying.

5) If they are quick to offer a confession, you can be sure the truth is much much worse...

So, there you go. Use these tips to trap your boyfriend, or better yet, practice avoiding these pit falls and be a better liar.