Wednesday, September 28, 2005


The nail on the big toe of my right foot is sticky. I know not why. I know not the cause, source or identity of the offending tacky substance. It feels simply as if I just received a caramel pedicure.

I know this because I am able to virtually pet my big toe with its over-sized hook-ended neighbor. Subconsciously, I slide the gargantuan index-toe over the thumb-toe in soothing rhythm, like a praying mantis before a meal. This goes on, without thought, all day long, and is only noticed when something goes awry, like the discovery of a hangnail or a mysterious adhesive layer...

It is not just my toes though. All of my digits are sausage-like in their dimensions. This is why my typing often looks as if I was whacking my keyboard with a kielbasa. My fat phalanges were not designed for fine detail, which as far as I can tell is the only reason I don't play the banjo. They also make it difficult to pick my teeth, which is why I maintain an abundant stockpile of toothpicks within reach.

Few things in this world offer me as much pleasure as a fresh sharp toothpick, smelling like a mighty lumber yard, wrapped in its neat little single-serving wrapper. Some taste clean like a Christmas tree. Some taste like mint. Some come with an auxiliary second point for rapid reload in the post-lunch battle against spinach and bits of chicken. Some have only one tip, which I always found to be a statement of product confidence by the manufacturer. Occasionally, you can find the pointy-at-one-end with flat scraper at the other end model. These really look to be high tech, but I suspect are more form than function.

Toothpicks make for a great calorie-free way to satisfy your mid-afternoon oral fixation, or a convenient aid to oral hygiene. It is always advisable to pick one up for your lunch-mate as you leave the restaurant, or if you are a dentist marrying a hygienist, it's entirely right to hand little gift boxes of them out to your guests.

So, I say hurray for the little wooden shards of goodness. Hurray! Go grab one for yourself today!


  1. Anonymous8:57 AM

    Yummmmmmyyy KIELBASA. Have you ever heard of "The Toothpick of Tomorrow"? I believe they use to sell it at Bed Bath and Beyond.

  2. Anonymous11:31 AM

    What was that about whacking your kielbasa?


Be compelling.

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