Friday, September 02, 2005

Stephen Sommers must have suffered as a child. He certainly holds some sort of sadistic grudge against his dad. As the closing credits cascade, we read that Mr. Sommers has dedicated his Opus to the memory of his father. Ears still ringing, and mind still mulling over who would fund such a craptastic catastrophe, we come across the dedication and feel genuine pity for the deceased.

Van Helsing (2004), the greatest cinematic rip-off since Star Wars, manages to rip off even Star Wars itself. Beyond the obvious pilfered premise; Vampire slayer fights Drac, Frank, and Wolfie; the production team seemed unable to develop a single original idea. To say that I was disappointed by this film would be to say that New Orleans is wet.

Eventually, I stopped tracking the plot-like story, and just started calling out the titles of the plagiarized originals as they occurred, which would then startle and awaken the snoozing missus. By the time they got around to lifting lines from Tuco in the Good the Bad, and the Ugly, I was actually shouting angrily at the TV. This of course did nothing for my wife's attempts to nap, and troubled the dog greatly...

On the upside, I received this bag-O-crap from Netflix. So, I don't have to pay one pinched pfarthing for it. PLUS, I get to give it a negative rating!

Hugh Jackman as a wolf-like human: now there's some inspired casting...
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4 comments:

  1. Mr. Gin and Tonic5:30 PM

    Thanks Nanee. The silent "p" comes from the Old English derivation...

    Actually, I may have just made that up. Who knows, really?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brian's Subconscious8:05 PM

    Hmmm...Not your best offering, Brian. Mind your craft or the comments will begin to sound like this:

    "Oooh, remember the vanilla blog?"

          "Inspired!"

    "Or the one about sex with a llama?"

          "Genius!"

    "What was that bit about Van Helsing? And all the stuff about Cylons?"

          "I don't know. I heard that he had sex with a llama about that time. A shame, really a shame."

    "Oooh. That explains it. Oh well, lets go read something else."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Brian's Subconscious9:27 PM

    My last comment was out of line. Somehow, I know this will make up for it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mr. Gin and Tonic1:04 AM

    Wait, there's something wrong with talking about Cylons?? That takes up large portions of my productive day...

    ReplyDelete

Be compelling.

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