The Oracle of Clackamas

Come closer.
Yes, you.
I'm talking specifically to you.

Please scoot your chair closer.

There, that's better. Now, take a deep breath and clear your mind.
You call that a deep breath? Really now, this is serious. One big deep cleansing breath...

There now. Relax your shoulders, and stretch your neck. Make your mind a peace.

See? There you go. As you know, I have been blessed with the sight, and it's time for me to share my gift with you. Now, this is very important. You must place your hands on either side of your computer monitor.

C'mon, I can see that you're not doing what I have asked. Really, place your hands on the sides of the monitor. That's right. You don't want bad Karma do you???

Good... Good... there you go.


OK. now empty your mind. Very good. Alright... Alright... I'm getting a signal. I can see something... It's... It's an image of some... It's a picture... No, It's a letter. The spirits are giving me a letter. It's the letter... E. I sense that the Letter E means something very important to you. See, I feel that you agree with me. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Yes, the letter E....

Ok, now, concentrate on the letter E, look deep within yourself and you will find its meaning. When you have found it, please continue to read this important message.

Alright, welcome back. I trust that you have found the meaning of the secret message from the spirits. While you were meditating, I was reading my Hopi Goat Bones for further enlightenment. What I saw startled me with its shocking detail. I saw that you have a rare brilliant-shining starburst aura. This makes you unique and powerful among your friends, family, and business acquaintances. You were born destined for great things. Perhaps you have sensed this to be true. There is an anointing upon your head. Perhaps you've felt this energy within yourself. It is that sense that you have, which tells you that people should listen you, and that your words are a powerful force.

However, in the goat bones, I also saw a pelvic shard clouding the prime tarsal. This means that your path is obstructed. There is adversity preventing you from achieving the fullness of your greatness, an obstacle which must be overcome. Fortunately, the hoary mandible lay athwart the 7th rib, which is the sign of victorious power. The fates are, even now, aligning to gird your way. Victory is within reach, great prosperity and joy are yours for the taking. You must only find the meaning of the Letter E, and then act upon that meaning.

Aaaiiiieee... I am spent. I have no more sight left in me tonight. That will be $20. I do take Paypal... You may go in peace.