Tuesday, September 18, 2007


If I had a lightsaber, I would wear it proudly, prominently perched on my hip, as a warning to evildoers, and as a conversation piece at cocktail parties.

If I had a lightsaber, I would NOT wear layered burlap robes, speak in parables, or wander into seedy neighborhoods in search of danger, because frankly, owning a lightsaber does not make me a Jedi.

If I had a lightsaber, I would not make tea or coffee with it, no matter how fast it made the water boil. That seems undignified. I would, however, use it to heat up a cup-o-noodles in a pinch.

If I had a lightsaber, I would use it to kill cowboys, because, well, I fear and hate them. I would kill midgets too because it is obvious that God hates them. And, as long as I'm on it, I would kill actors who play "insane" characters because Fuck Them, that's why.

If I had a lightsaber, I would learn how to juggle with it, because chicks dig jugglers.

If I had a lightsaber, I would probably hurt myself with it.

If I had a lightsaber, I would make you call me Xanrok the Warrior Bull, because I could...

If I had a lightsaber, I would teach those downtown Portland retro urban anti-hipster bicycle fascists a thing or two about traffic laws.

If I had a lightsaber, I would make Dick Cheney give it back. ALL of it.

And finally, if I had a lightsaber, I would win next year's BBQ contest, because, well, who's voting against a guy with a lightsaber??


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. For a lightsaber blog, this one blows.

    You also seem to have a love/hate relationship with your lightsaber. Care to discuss this?

  3. If I had a lightsaber, Everyone would tell me how much they loved my blog.


  4. Anonymous9:19 AM

    "Probably hurt myself with it." Dude, first you'd cut off your hand trying to juggle. In your rush to try to get to a hospital, you'd trip over the damn thing and cut off your foot, falling face first in the process. Probably landing on top of the light saber and forever losing any semblance of manhood. Basically, you'd be left with one hand, one foot and no balls. Midgets and cowboys would mock you. Mrs. G & T would take away your light saber and put you in a time out because, pathetic though you may be, she needs help with the kids. Although, lucky for her, she wouldn't have to worry about more. So really, forget about the light saber fantasy and go back to posting pictures of ass. Much safer for everyone.

  5. It is clear that you are in a phallic mood today.

  6. the lightsaber10:47 AM

    I am too sexy for you.

  7. Flamethrowers, dude. Flamethrowers. Jedis should have used Flamethrowers.

  8. Anonymous4:30 PM

    Ewan and a flamethrower is not quite the same. He couldn't have a meatsaber then..


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