Lightsaber

If I had a lightsaber, I would wear it proudly, prominently perched on my hip, as a warning to evildoers, and as a conversation piece at cocktail parties.

If I had a lightsaber, I would NOT wear layered burlap robes, speak in parables, or wander into seedy neighborhoods in search of danger, because frankly, owning a lightsaber does not make me a Jedi.

If I had a lightsaber, I would not make tea or coffee with it, no matter how fast it made the water boil. That seems undignified. I would, however, use it to heat up a cup-o-noodles in a pinch.

If I had a lightsaber, I would use it to kill cowboys, because, well, I fear and hate them. I would kill midgets too because it is obvious that God hates them. And, as long as I'm on it, I would kill actors who play "insane" characters because Fuck Them, that's why.

If I had a lightsaber, I would learn how to juggle with it, because chicks dig jugglers.

If I had a lightsaber, I would probably hurt myself with it.

If I had a lightsaber, I would make you call me Xanrok the Warrior Bull, because I could...

If I had a lightsaber, I would teach those downtown Portland retro urban anti-hipster bicycle fascists a thing or two about traffic laws.

If I had a lightsaber, I would make Dick Cheney give it back. ALL of it.

And finally, if I had a lightsaber, I would win next year's BBQ contest, because, well, who's voting against a guy with a lightsaber??