Wednesday, June 06, 2007



Fake hair. Fake lips. Fake boobs. Fake store fronts. Fake prosperity. Fake lifestyles.

And way way way too much make up.

I'm not sure who is supposed to be impressed by all of the plasticy fakeness, the uniform track homes, or the general gaudiness. Is it a quest to out-fake everyone else? Or, do the purveyors of all things fake actually believe that they are being believed?

If all of the energy and resources that this state spends on being fake were re-directed toward something worthwhile, like stem cell research, I could have a new pancreas by now (with two spares sitting in my freezer.)

Surprisingly, in one of the fakiest cities down here, surrounded by hordes of pretentious pea-hens, I did find something real.

It was a cupcake, from a cupcake-only fake-facade store front, served by a fakey flakey college drop out whore, wearing way way too much foundation and eyeliner. The cupcake was pure, however. Strawberry flavored with bits of real strawberry. Butter cream frosting, made with real butter. All they served was cupcakes, at a premium to be sure, but they did it well.

So, an oasis it was, in this horrible sea of brown air, stagnate heat and Botox. It was a glimmer of hope, and a reminder of things that are real. Someday, the tsunami will come and wash away this wretched wasteland, and carry the rats, snakes and cockroaches along with it.

I will be sad that many of my friends and most of my family will all be washed to sea with the tide. I will also miss the cupcake store. However, I will not miss this place.


  1. A Tsunami would barely touch Southern California. A San Andreas mega quake that dropped the Western half of the state into the sea would clean much better.

  2. Glad you are enjoying your trip home!

  3. We will be ok because God is our co-pilot.

    It was nice getting lunch with you yesterday. I mean "nice" in the obnoxious Eddie Haskel kind of way.

    I found out my crazy Aunt Birma from Arizona died this morning. We didnt have a going home party for her so I hope she makes it to the right place.

  4. When I was in LA, I saw no fake boobs or botox - I'm disappointed, I must have gone to the wrong places

    However, Dr Bri's surgery was full of dollybird assistants with nice teeth..

    I didn't get cupcakes either

  5. Hey - smog just toughen ups your lungs - breath it in deep children - sure it burns but don't be whimps like your pa!

    My God - I knew one day you were going to be a dirty old man - but do you have to be a bitter geezer too. Next I'll be hearing about you beating some boy scout with a cane.

    Lisa - geez - half naked old ladies at the beach weren't enough for you! You ARE a princess.

  6. Lisa, apparently you didnt look at my staff very closely. At least half of them have fakies.

  7. Geeeez...

    All that rain has gone to your brain!
    Maybe its WHERE in Southern California you are?! Of course, as I type this, I am sitting in a coffee house across the street from the ocean, cool breezes, 72 degrees and sunny.
    Around me, or within blocks: real cars and fake women; real mexican food (find that in most of Oregon) and fake lifeguard towers (Baywatch); real beaches and fake italian villas.

    Need I even remind you that the Red Elvises live about 3 blocks from where I'm sitting?!!?

    All in all - I'll take SoCal thanks.
    You can look forward to that plane ride back - when you go, take those Birkenstocks with you!

  8. brian's pancreas8:58 PM

    Damn you! Lay off the freaking cupcakes! And get yer ass back home to the land of strippers.

  9. Lemme live in California! I'm so sorry. Lived there briefly when I was a child, visited briefly when I was a teenager & have vowed to never set foot in that state again! Poor you!

  10. This blog was the ultimate definition of "bittersweet." The cupcake sounds amazing. It makes me crave something from a good bakery. Like the Beaverton Bakery. :)

  11. In the Portland area, go to Saint Cupcake if you want good cupcakes. Not that I don't love Beaverton Bakery, but Saint Cupcake wins this battle.

  12. Mrs. G&T1:29 PM

    Three-way-cupcake-cage-match: B.B., St. C. & Fakeland. St. Cupcake takes it. All three good. I had a chocolate-peanut butter cupcake in Fakeland with melty chocolate chips, very good. But St. Cupcake wins for quality, presentation, and architecture, even handicapping Fakeland for the pierced hangers-on sitting next to Daddy's Mercedes and begging for free cupcakes from the dropout cupcake-ista.


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