Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Tom Is Not My Friend

Well, actually, Tom IS my friend. He's one of my very best friends. However, that is regular-reader Tom. Tom from California. Husband of Mrs. Tom. Father of Spawn of Tom. Occasional Dead Honkey character Tom. THAT Tom is my friend.

Creepy ubiquitous Tom from Myspace, however, is not my friend. That Tom is a bit of a buddy whore. Just sign up for his second-rate social service, and Bob's your uncle, Tom's your friend.

The first thing most Myspace users do is delete Tom. On that note, he is most literally no longer my friend.

Myspace is so easy to use. It is seemingly user-friendly, disarming and inviting. It is a perpetual portal for self expression. It is addictive, like crack.

It is free to use, and fun to fix up. Each personal page projects a public persona, like a digital dorm room. I originally signed up to pimp the Lounge, but over time, my own myspace account has begun to demand more and more of its own attention from me.

I know that it's a popular service, and that it has scads of users, but I was somewhat shocked to discover recently that analysts for Myspace's parent company, News Corp, have estimated that the service could have a potential value of $15 Billion in just a few years.

That's "Billion," with a "B."

Of course, whenever you hear a surprisingly-high projected value for a company, you know only one thing is certain, a big fat For Sale sign in the lawn...

As a sale property, though, Myspace is one hell of a fixer-upper. So, with this in mind, I began to make a list of the little details that might need to be fixed before the deal is done.

1. It must stop breaking the fuck down every goddamn day. I mean really, if my car broke down this often, I would have already sued the car manufacturer.

2. How difficult can it be, really, to search music by song?? I mean, why do we really need to know that Jethro Tull performed Aqualung? Why can't we just search for the song??

3. It is asanine that we cannot comment on our own comments sections. I realize that I am not listed as my own friend, but come on, that's just plain retarded.

4. Oh, and, where's the nudity? I mean, HEY, Goddamn it! Where is it?!?

So, Tom, and Tom's friends at News Corp, good luck on your little corporate bake sale. Best wishes on your billions, but really, just one thing: Could you please patch the roof before you go?

Reading for Comprehension:
1. How many times today did you use the phrase, "myspace is being a bitch?"
2. Does that make Myspace a $15 billion bitch?
3. You don't have a myspace page? Why the hell not?

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  1. I have a Myspace page!

    I'm addicted as well. It is like crack, only crackier.

    I also think it works like shit, and I'm tired of its constant eff-ups. I'd also like for them to make it easier to search through the e-mail box, to send attachments with e-mails, and wish their page editing was more like Blogger.

    Speaking of which, Blogger has been a real bitch lately too.

    I guess, in the end, you get what you pay for.

  2. Myspace is a bigger bitch than me
    but I'm addicted so I take the rough with the smooth
    And bloggers been a bitch for me too - out to get me this internet thingy..

  3. myspace and blogging is a bit too narcisistic for me. I think I'm more of a voyeur. Besides, I was talked into getting a myspace only to have embarrasing pictures posted. I just had a patient this morning say "nice legs, doc"

  4. Since we are advertising our myspace pages, here's mine:

    I do not post naked pictures of myself, but Inog does occassionally post embarrasing pictures of me wearing fairy costumes or doing outrageous things.

    I do blog about my kids and my drinking habits, though, which has its own entertainment value.

    My word verification was uwlcm. Care to guess what that sounds like?

  5. Oh man, Ryan. Tha word verification is a gem! lol

  6. Holy crap. I can't believe this blog still exists. I thought I quit coming here when it peaked in crappiness. Unfortnately, I was wrong.

    Hey Brian, if you channeled all the effort you exert in maintaining your myspace page and visiting those of others, and put that time into this piece of shit, well, perhaps it wouldn't be a piece of shit. It doesn't say much about your content when the readers get more enjoyment out of what dumbass thing Princess Leah says than what you write.

    That said. Dead Honkey is a good add.

  7. Well, welcome back Abestis. It should be no surprise that you of all people actually like Dead Honkey...

  8. Oh, and, Dr. B, you do have nice legs

  9. See, I told you, blogger ate my comment - it hates me

    Dr Bri, I actually commented on your legs to Brian, I won't repeat what he said

    and to pimp my myspace

  10. Might I add, Myspace is a FINE, FINE site. Worth copious amounts of your time and energy. Spend the whole day there! It's like the county fair!

    This message is bought and paid for by the Dark Masters that Run the Internet.

  11. Coincidentally,it appears that Myspace is broken again. I can't get to my mail.

  12. Do some work. Sue somebody.

  13. Its a sad day when only one great person, allie, recognizes an amazing word verification. It just doesn't get any better than that one above. Its like a fortune cookie that describes exactly what you want to do all the time.

  14. Anonymous3:45 PM

    I love lamp

  15. Ryan, we sell specialized fortune cookies that do that very thing. Open them up, and they all say, "Give a hand job to the person next to you." They seem to do very well at singles bars and public libraries.

  16. And ballparks with a bag of peanuts....

  17. I'm sorry - I'm confused - are you a myspace whore or Tom's whore - or Dr. Bri's leg's Pimp?

  18. Until I actually read it, this post's title gave me a moment of sweet relief...


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