Sunday, September 24, 2006

MAXIMIZE YOUR BLOG TRAFFIC, NOW!!

That seems to be a popular topic these days. Friendly folks write about it. Greedy bloggers Google it. Taggers tag it. Diggers digg it. There is something like 50 million blogs out there, and everybody just wants to be loved.

There is a lot of well-meaning advice to be found. Most of it, however, is horse shit. Therefore, in an attempt to contribute to this, my blogging community, I shall outline my official philosophy of generating high-volume blog traffic.

Rule #1: Be compelling

Sure, I stole that rule from Howard Stern. In short, this means, be interesting. Write the words and post the pictures that readers want to see. Better still, write the words and post the pictures that the readers can't believe they're seeing.

For instance, nothing turns heads like NAKED PHOTOS OF TRICIA HELFER

See? See how quickly you clicked on that link! You probably didn't know that she plays #6 on Battlestar Galactica, but you looked anyway. (By the way, if you are offended by partial-frontal nudity, I should probably apologize. However, I won't.)

The point is, you don't have to link to nudie pics, but what ever you do, make people feel a need to look.

Rule #2: Advertise

OK, the experts will tell you to "contribute" to the blogging community. Basically, this just means, visit a lot of other people's blogs and leave behind a link to your own.

For instance, in the immediate future, I intend to inundate all of your blogs and Myspace pages with the following banner:



Of course, Dave already hit us with this one:



And in the next few weeks, you will be sure to see this one:




Rule #3: Exploit the vanity of your readers

Everybody likes to see their own name in print. So, it's a no-brainer to make frequent reference to your readers. Birthdays, births, marriages, divorces, gender re-assignment. Publish personal praise. They'll keep coming back.

In recent days, however, I've discovered an even more insidious manipulation of human narcissism: Link exchange. There are blogs that exist for no other purpose than to publish links to other blogs. Basically you exchange links with the blogger. Then, becaus you are your own biggest fan, you keep checking back day after day after day to see whether your blog has been linked, featured, or even reviewed.

There are two such blogs that I have linked to, and I have already been reviewed favorably in one of them. Both sell add space, so, this is a brilliant scheme for them to bring raw readers into their sites.

So, that's it. Keep it interesting, manipulate human nature, and get the word out. Of course, I have a depressingly small number of daily readers. So, what the hell do I know...

Reading for comprehension:
1. Have you told a friend about the Lounge?
2. Do you tingle with anticipation when I write about you?
3. You really just read this thing for the comments, don't you?



Digg!

9 comments:

  1. 1. Yes, Ive pimped you on my blog a few times, you pay well
    2. No
    3. Yes and for the naked pics of Dita

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love your blog... and yes, I'm linking you.

    Don't you love how this works?? lol

    ReplyDelete
  3. Did someone say Grace Park?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dont bother putting a link on my myspace. No one goes there and I like it that way. You know, If you wrote a decent blog once in a while you wouldn't have to use the naked ladies. Well, with me you would.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The blog critique sounds uncannily like a horoscope. I'm thinking they have 10 or 12 critiques and just say "That's a # 4, post it & get more advertising".

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous11:21 AM

    you are a dirty attention whore

    ReplyDelete
  7. Brian takes that as a compliment..

    ReplyDelete
  8. I totally agree with the ideas you have mentioned. But I got another suggestion for bloggers to find blogs that are of similar topics and ask for link exchange. They could go to blog directories (e.g. http://blogannounce.info) and then go to the category their blog belongs to and then visit other blogs. Post comments and then contact the blog owner. I like this method because similar blogs tend to attract the same targeted groups and thus are more likely to lead referrals. And by the way, bloggers could submit their blogs to directories and get more traffic.ms

    ReplyDelete

Be compelling.

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