Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Samaritan

It is really no secret that much of my youth was wasted on religion. Tempted as I may be, the tequila working its wicked way with my words, I shall refrain from a scathing diatribe against the folly of faith for the moment.


Suffice it to say, one thing I learned from 20 years of bible study and Sunday school was that Jesus like parables. Holy hell, did he ever like to tell stories! One of the best, admittedly, was the parable of the Good Samaritan.

Basically, a guy gets mugged. All of the upright-uptight religious right pass him on the street, and leave him to die. Only the lowly Samaritan stops to help, and is therefore the most blessed.

Not wanting to be outdone by the alleged son of Jehovah, the modern Fundamentalists made up their own similar parable, based loosely on the Good Samaritan, but designed more to disparage the competition than to preach compassion. For the full text of the slanderous saga, click here.

For those of you too lazy to read, the gist is that a man falls in a fairly shitty hole, and breaks his legs. Mohammed finds him and shouts down, "hey, don't eat pork, and pray toward Mecca five times a day."

Buddha then finds him and tells him his problem was the result of desire. Marx tells him that he can only be free through class struggle and revolution (Marx misrepresented once again...)

Freud suggested that the man subconsciously wanted to be in the hole. New Agers suggested that the man had bad karma or negative energy (or something). Finally, and this is the important part, Jesus found the man, got down into the hole with him, and carried him out.

Nice story. Brings a tear to the eye.

So, I got to thinking, "what if I fell in the hole?" What if I were the man, and I laid in the shitty pit with broken shins? What if my regular readers walked by? What would they say? Hmmm... I wonder....

Inog: "Hey, that shitty pit reminds me of this squalid village in Laos where I ate a small child for Brunch!"

Mrs. Inog: "So, If I make an offer to perform a rescue, and you rely on my promise to your own detriment, am I bound to perform? What is your remedy if I don't? Am I equitably estopped from non-performance? Oh wait, maybe this is a Torts question..."

Dr. Brian: "If you were a cute blonde girl, I'd rescue you. Mind if I masturbate into the hole anyway?"

Ev: "Ha, you lying in a muddy hole with broken legs reminds me of highschool!"

Lisa: "Quit your bloody whining. We'll have you tubed and shipped out of there in no time."

Valdez: "Broken legs? You crack me up!"

Princess Leah: "I better not get too close to the hole, my pneumonia may turn into tuberculosis! And I might get pregnant again!!"

Mitch: [pushes Leah into the hole]

Ryan: "I liked the original story about Jesus better..."

Dave: "Hey, this gives me an idea for a new Dead Honkey..."

Amanda: "I feel that the hole is analogous to the classical western repesentation of man's inhumanity to... Hey! Goddamnit! Can you see up my skirt from down there??"

Mrs G&T: "You fell in a pit?? This is worse than the hickeys on your forehead."

Margus: "Jesus, you should see the size of the holes we have in Minnesota."

Tom: "Is this some metaphor for Brian being gay?"

Anonymous: "I blame Leah for Brian being in the hole."

The Other Anonymous: "This blog hasn't been good since last October. Brian deserves to be in in the hole."

Daisy's Missing Arm: "Need a hand? ahahahahahahhahaaaaa...."

Christina Ricci: "I've got a hole you can fall into..."

The Kayak Paddle: "Rivers? Holes? Christ, I need to buy you a fucking helmet!"

The Hat: "Let ME float away, huh? Guess who dug this goddamn hole!"

Reading for Comprehension:
1. OK, who am I missing?
2. Did I get you right?
3. What else might you say to me if I were lying in a hole?


18 comments:

  1. I'm guessing that Mitch isn't the only one who'd want to push me into the hole. And, um, EWWWWW!!!! Becasue if you and I are alone in the hole and I get pregnant again, that can mean only one thing: immaculate conception because you ain't gettin anywhere near me with your freaky ass second belly button. Then I can whine about being the mother of god's second child. "Aw. It was so cute today. Baby Jesus Junior cured my pneumonia."

    ReplyDelete
  2. mrs. inog6:42 AM

    Law school has me in too much of a daze to put that many money words in a paragraph. As a student I would most likely hand you a beer and tell you The Heater was back open to give you the strength to get yourself out of the hole.

    ReplyDelete
  3. In my comment you forgot that the cute blonde would need to be wearing a naughty school girl outfit and holding the latest issue of hotrod magazine.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Laura Palmer9:12 AM

    I'm already dead so I would be next to you in the hole. By the way, did anyone see me on the T.V. show House last night?

    ReplyDelete
  5. the other white meat9:22 AM

    Writing a blog and then commenting on it yourself. Shameless and well done.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Words of wisdom from ancient Isreal:

    "He who digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit he has made." Psalm 7:15

    ReplyDelete
  7. Or perhaps this some practical advice:

    "As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement." Deuteronomy 23:13

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm not disputing anything noted in the post.
    If, hypothetically, I DID push her in... I don't think any other regular posters would mind at all.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Mrs. G&T12:12 PM

    Please don't lick any plants while you are down there.

    ReplyDelete
  10. the other anonymous12:57 PM

    Fucking best post ever on this piece of crap blog. Too bad we have to wait more than a year for it to suck less. Can't wait till next year's suck-less-aversary

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous1:13 PM

    I can't speak for all of the anonymouses, but that isn't how I would respond.

    I would see your broken shins and think to myself, "damn, his calves won't look nearly as good as they used to in that kilt." Then, I'd give you an energy drink and watch you spaz your way around the pit for my amusement.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dave: go see my band division six
    Ev: that hole reminds me of my vagina
    Tom: Lets leave Brian there and go get some donuts
    Brian's mom: Its because you have turned your back on Jesus. Then she would throw in a bible.
    The indian girl on the bus: my boobies will miss you

    ReplyDelete
  13. Obviously you're gay.

    ReplyDelete
  14. So was I talking to Jesus, or just standing there drunk without anything better to say?

    ReplyDelete
  15. You say "Standing there drunk" like it's a bad thing...

    ReplyDelete
  16. no sir, I don't like it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. OK OK OK...

    Correction, If I were in the hole, Margus would say:

    "Ya man, I'd help you out of that shitty pit, but I've got to go catch a Sound Tribe Sector Nine show at the Orpheum!"

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm not going to fall for that "I'm stuck down here so take off all your clothes to make a rope" trick again!

    ReplyDelete

Be compelling.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.