Thursday, July 27, 2006

James Blonde

"Hi, I'm Plenty."
"But, of course you are."
"Plenty O'Toole."
"Named after your father perhaps?"

Let us begin where we all can agree. Sean Connery. If you don't think that Sean Connery was THE best James Bond, then, well, I have to worry about you. Perhaps your mother smoked crack while you were a fetus. Maybe Jesus hates you.

Most folks will also say that Pierce Brosnan was a close second. Sure, we waited long enough for him to terminate his Remington Steele commitment. And sure, he only gave us four outings as 007, but we liked it, and we wanted more.

Roger Moore was an embarrassment. Timothy Dalton was a snooze-fest, and I don't think anyone ever watched the one George Lazenby affair.

Pierce has walked away from the series to focus on his more-serious acting career. So, now we have Daniel Craig. And what is the response of the masses??

"He's Blonde!"

That's it. That's all the fans can think about. The color of his hair. Daniel may be a great Bond, or maybe Casino Royale will suck ass. I'll tell you one thing, though, that conclusion will have nothing to do with the color of Craig's hair.

It will, however, have everything to do with what sort of mood Barbara Broccoli is currently in. For you see, the wicked grit and style of Sean and Pierce; the smarmy cheesy greasy geriatric awkwardness of Roger; the insignificance of George; and the siesta fiesta of Timothy was ALL the result of the whims of the producers, Albert "Cubby" Broccoli and his daughter, Barbara Broccoli.

Albert Broccoli allowed the progressive comic cheesiness of Roger to feed on itself, escalating toward near disaster. Then, under Barbara's influence, they finally gave us a younger and more viral Bond, complete with a cleft chin. Unfortunately, the limited sensibilities of the Broccoli family turned Ian Fleming's debonair assassin into a politically correct world policeman.

Don't blame Timothy for being dull, they wrote him that way. Fortunately, with Pierce, they let the character return to the somewhat sadistic, stylistically-menacing, well-heeled hitman he was always supposed to be.

So now, we have Mr. Craig. He sounds smart. He looks menacing. The Broccolis are stripping the character down to its essentials. They are bringing him back to the old-school Ian Fleming-inspired low-tech, smooth and cool government killer that we first read about in Casino Royale.

While there will be no exploding ball-point pens or pocket helicopters, there will be fast cars, martinis, Bond babes, and a Walther PPK. I do not truly expect the color of his hair to matter much by the end of the opening credits.

Reading for Comprehension
1. Who remembers the Goldeneye fiasco at Tigard Cinema?
2. Before he dies, perhaps Sean Connery could return as a Bond Villain.
3. Do you ever cringe when Roger sticks his tongue in the mouth of a girl less-than-half his age?


  1. wogai7:36 AM

    I have a Walther PPK. Maybe I should be the next Bond.

    And you missed one Bond.

    The very very first one: Peter Sellers.

    I guess you could also say David Niven. So you missed two James Bonds.

    And I guess a few more were in there as well.

    I think the new bond needs to be a bit darker. A bit more on the ‘ends justify the means’ side of things.

    I will watch it on DVD. Next week.

  2. Anonymous9:27 AM

    1. No. But, I do recall the pink eye catastrophe of Lloyd Cinema. Does that count?

    2. He sucks as a bad guy though. The Avengers to wit.

    3. No, but I do cringe when he sucks in his cheeks while kissing the girls. It looks like he is trying to suck the life out of them.

  3. I think Mr. Ishen or Jason Matthews would make great bonds.

  4. amanda4:06 PM

    I cringe everytime I see anyone stick their tongue down someone's mouth. That's just foul and dirty. I mean, who does that?

  5. Jamie Foxx9:58 AM

    Why wasn't I considered for the part? Those Jewish producers love to keep the black man down. I want to get my hands on those young white women. The bond car could be an escalade rolling on 24's.

  6. I am hoping that they bring me back as a bad guy. This Dentist I go to in Claremont,CA has really changed smile. Oh wait, I forgot i'm dead.

  7. Bond Girl10:17 AM

    Kissing Roger was like sticking my face in a horse's vagina.

  8. Roger Moore11:11 AM

    I may be old but I get more pussy then Mr. Gin and Tonic. I can still kick his ass too.

  9. clive owen2:25 PM

    That Daniel Craig is one charming bloke. I think he will be the best Bond ever!

  10. George Lazenby4:06 PM

    No one ever remembers me. You all are bastards.

  11. Lloyd Cinemas - where Goldeneye melted the film before our very eyes. One of the coolest special effects I have EVER seen. I could even smell the melted film. THX has nothing on Lloyd Cinemas.

    I remember drinking before during and after the movie. I remember Jason and Dina getting us all free passes after yelling at the minimum wage theater attendant and the $8.00 an hour manager.

    Thanks for the Lars/Law School memory.


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