Subway

Really, I prefer Quiznos to Subway. The turkey bacon and guacamole may be the world's most perfect sandwich. However, subway is far more ubiquitous, and therefore more convenient.

It is important, therefore, to know your Subway order in advance.

Well sure, that's true for any fast food dining experience. At McDonald's, it's a Big Mac and a cheeseburger. At Burger King, its a Whopper with Cheese and a cheeseburger. At Taco Bell, I order a Burrito Supreme and two soft tacos. At Del Taco, it's a Combo Burrito and two chicken soft tacos.

At Carl's Jr., I will order the Western Bacon Cheeseburger and whatever else is on sale for 99 cents.

At Subway, however, there is more pressure. You can't just order the item and move along to the drink machine. No, there is always a line behind you and they expect you to personally direct the entire sandwich making process.

So, you really don't have time to fuck around and pick your ass.

Thus: When I go to Subway, as I have for the last 20 years, I always order the exact same thing, and here it is.

Foot long BMT on Parmesan Oregano. BMT is a stack of all the Italian-style deli meats. And as everyone knows, I like to put spicy Italian meats in my mouth. Yo this day, however, I have been able to figure out what BMT stands for. (I'm sure Fred is working on that one right now...)

Lettuce, Onions, Pickles, Olives. The key here is "No Tomatoes." As I've said before, Tomatoes are fine fine fruit. Sliced with a bit of salt and pepper, or in a salad with fresh Mozz and fresh basil... mmm...

But not on a sandwich. Never. It's a big juicy slice of watery fruit. Whoever it was that came up with the notion that Tomatoes go on burgers and sandwiches, should be punched in the head.

Pepperoncinis. Ah, ,the patron pepper of the Lounge. The number one Google search term. Remember, in the Lounge, we pronounce them "Pepper-Cheeneys."

Mustard and Mayonnaise. Two of the finest condiments known to man.

Black pepper. Here is a common selection for me. I often go with pepper as a plate-side spice, but very rarely, do I add salt. Most foo is salty enough,and adding more salt to my food conjures horror-images of fat Americans in patriotic t-shirts salting their deep-fried fat before cramming it into their reddened jowls.

Also, by ending with black pepper, I avoid further nauseating discussion of oil and vinegar. Oil, like vinegar, is a liquid. A liquid than runs out, and all over your sandwich, seeping and pooling throughout the plastic sandwich carry bag, soaking every available inch of the bread.

And, as soggy bread is an abomination unto all decent things, we cannot have the oil and vinegar on the sandwich.

Jesus Christ, I'm getting ill just thinking about the soggy bread now. Oh god... That's it, I'm done.