El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles del Rio de Porciuncula

...Or, Los Angeles as they call it today. That was its original name when it was founded by 44 Filipino, Native American, African and Spanish settlers in 1781.

I left LA many years ago, but had returned for Christmas. It was warm, as it always is, the air conditioner was on to cool the house down enough for a yule log to burn in the fireplace.

We sat around, as we always do, chit-chatting and watching the tots tear at the glossy wrapping-papered presents. It was leisurely, and I drifted in and out of consciousness.

In the back of my mind, however, I picked up on a conversation that made me ill at ease...

"...with all of them Vietnamese and Koreans over there, they got their Chinese writing all over everything!"

(I was about to make the obvious correction, but then...)

"Ya, didn't we pass that 'English is the Official Language' law? Some help that was!"

(Now, I started to sit up, trying to recall California's legislative history while also processing the shocking affront to the First Amendment of the Constitution...)

"[Blah blah blah blah blah...]"

(I chose not to upset the harmony of Christmas morning, and let it go, muttering something about the rule of law and slippery slopes under my breath.)

Then: "I mean, this is our country. We were here first."

So, OK, let's do the math. To be certain, If one were to move to India, one would be expected to speak any one of the various Indian dialects. Or, well, I suppose you can speak English too since it is taught in their schools.

But OK, Japan. You have to speak Japanese there too, right? Well, no, they also learn a number of languages in school, English being among the top. Same with most of Europe and the industrialized world.

OK, but, the point is, different indigenous languages are spoken in different nations, right? Russian in Russia. Spanish in Spain. Malay in Malaysia.

Our problem is, I suppose, the United States isn't a nation. It does not have the cultural, historical, linguistic or religious homogeneity that nations enjoy. Sure most of us are Caucasian, but that could mean origins from Ireland, Scotland, England, Spain, France, Germany, Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Norway, Poland, Russia, Hungary, etc...

Many of us aren't Caucasian, though, with origins in Africa, South America and Asia. And despite the cultural baggage brought by all of our ancestors, all of us are equally "American." Well, at least, those of us who ARE American... (Sorry Lisa)

With each new flood of immigrants, English-speaking Americans feel that their language and lifestyle are somehow threatened. Yet, with all of the big city urban conclaves, the China Towns, the Little Italies and Barrios, folks seem to adapt over time, and learn to fear and loath the next waive of immigrants.

I mean, if you live in America now, you are the descendant of immigrants.

However, some people insist on touting English-Only or English-as-the-Official-Language laws and rules. And Sure, why not? I suppose that makes sense. I mean English comes from England, and the Pilgrims settled this place, Right??

Well, no.

Actually, the first permanent English settlement was Jamestown. (Ignoring, of course, the lost colony of Roanoke...) That was in 1607, beating the pilgrims by 13 years.

Still and all, if "We Were Here First" is the standard by which we are to determine the "Official Language," then Nous devrions peut-être parler français, because France started settling America in 1524, a full 80 years before the English.

OK, sure, the English beat their blue-coated asses back to Quebec and won the right to speak English-only, at the end of the French-&-Indian War.

However, it doesn't matter, because the Spanish were the first ones here in 1492, beating everybody to the linguistic punch. Hola Amigo! Se habla Espanol?

OK, OK, There was Leif Ericson, of course, in the year 1003, but he didn't make it much further south than Newfoundland, and who wants Norwegian to be the official language of the United States anyway?? Certainly not me!

So, Spanish it is! They were here first. Spanish should be the official language of El Estados Unitos...

Oh, but wait, the Spanish weren't actually the first ones here... Hell, folks have been coming to America for 35,000 years! Among Native Americans, the oldest known tribes was the Sandia Paleo-Indians, who date back about 15,000 b.c. Unfortunately, their language died out with them...

So, the oldest known, currently-existing native language is Athabaskan, a native language family that includes sub-dialects such as Apache, Navajo and Umpqua. That's about as far back as American linguistic history goes. So, based on the "We Were Here First" theory, Navajo should be the official language of the United States.

Hell, we've all seen that Nicolas Cage WWII movie. If we switch to Navajo, we can all be wind talkers!