Meat Show

I love meat.

Which used to be somewhat complicated by the fact that my wife was once a vegetarian. Not a political vegetarian, I discovered, just not a fan of cooked animals.

While most carnivores, like myself, have certain fleshy favorites, when it comes down to it, meat is meat, and fire makes it good.

Vegetarians, on the other hand, possess many varied theories and practices with regard to food. Too many, in fact, to list here. However, they do break down into certain umbrella sub-groups such as ethical/political, health/diet, religious, and taste.

The health/diet veggies make the most sense. Most appear to be lean, and occasionally appear to be healthy. These are the same folks who fear trans fats, starches, alcohol, sugar, flavor and joy. They will out live all of us, but we will die happier.

Then, there are the Tasties. These folks don't like the taste/texture of meat. There's really nothing to do for them. More BBQ for me, I guess.

The religious Veggies make me a little sad. Most religions teach some form of self-denial, which often translates into passing the denied goods on to the religious leader. Some religions say don't eat Pork. Others say don't eat Beef. Still other's say don't eat any at all on Friday. Ancient priests used to accept sacrifices of herd animals, which would quickly be hoisted upon some burning alter, or other, effectively making a giant holy BBQ. Going to temple smelled yummy!

Then, then, we come to the ethical/political veggies. This is the group that watched Bambie at too early an age. This is the group that likes to make their own lives as tediously difficult as possible. This group also has a number of subclasses, from PETA, to Eco-terrorists, to Vegans.

And really, it's the Vegans that I want to discuss. Vegans, it seems, encompass the extremes of all the sub-groups combined. Admittedly, it's very hard to be a vegan, and very easy to be a hypocrite. No animal products. No meat. No dairy. No eggs. No Jell-O. Nothing.

A good vegan will avoid leather seats, leather shoes, leather belts, fur, lard, yogurt, wool, cheese, or even vegetables cooked on or near a surface that has ever cooked meat.

Part of the problem, in-so-far as Veganism can be called a problem, I suppose, is both species guilt and the failure to recognize the fact that humans are animals themselves. There is an over-bearing sense among vegans that human beings are somehow above the animals, separate from them, distinct from nature, and it is our separate superiority that gives us some burden or duty to the lesser beings. A failure of perceived duty leads to guilt, and then turns into all manner of unmanageable obligations.

I would disagree, though. Humans are, in every sense of the word, animals. We are an indistinguishable part of nature. The fact that we have reason and opposable thumbs, does not change the fact that we are mammals. We bear live young. Our females breast feed. We have fur. We eat, sleep, breathe, shit, fuck and die. We are hyper-developed tree monkeys, and as such, we sit at the top of the food chain, ready to devour all other life forms. It is our place at the table. It is our position in the circle of life [cue Disney music].

Those are not my rules. That is nature.

Now, if you want to be a vegan, more power to you. I support your right to make your own gastronomic policies.

But really, the vegan marketing has gotten a little carried away.

Just a couple of days ago, as I researched information for a previous post, I came across an ad for the most amazing thing. Right here, in our own little town of Portland, we have the world's very first, number one, all-vegan strip club.

That's right. Vegan Strip Club. I kid you not.

It is called Casa Diablo, and it is situated at the corner of NW 37th and Nicolai, in Portland. The menu is Vegan, and the drinks, I have to assume, are organic. However, that item remains to be confirmed.

Johnny Diablo (his given name?), the club's owner, is fond of saying: “It's vixens, not veal, and sizzle, not steak. We put the meat on the pole, not on the plate.”

No, I haven't been yet. Yes, I will be visiting soon, and I will be sure to provide a report.

I do have to wonder, though, considering the club's strict vegan ethic, what the policy is regarding fur... So to speak... You know... I'm just sayin...