Thursday, October 18, 2007

Suck

[Scene 1] [Fade in] A dark alley, wet with recent rain. Blue neon light from an obscured source reflects in the puddles. A young woman in a short skirt and improbable heels enters, running in terror, darting glances quickly over her shoulder.

Her assailant, his back to the camera, descends from the sky directly into her path. He is dressed stylishly in a long black coat. [close up of his black Bruno Maglis dangling beneath his black Dolce & Gabbana pant legs]

The woman stops, gasping, paralyzed. The man floats toward her, fanged jaws open, head tilted, eyes black. Suddenly, he stops. Over the woman's shoulder he sees another man, also floating, also with fanged jaws open. [kung fu battle ensues]

I'm getting very weary of Vampires. More so, even, than pirates. They are beyond cliche. They are overused and over done. They are a used up, dried out, comically uncreative genre. Worse, even, than westerns.

Always brooding, vaguely androgynous, sensual, sexual, undead. And then, just for a twist, they hand us what? A vampire with a soul? A vampire with remorse? A vampire with love? Or what? Maybe a half vampire? Maybe a Vampire cop?

And then what, we get to know the protagonist vampire, and he (always a "he") doesn't want to feed on humans, so what does he do? Eat rats? Dogs? Takes donations from the morgue or the blood bank? Is his refrigerator filled with bags of blood? Wine bottles of blood? Tupperware?

Look, it's been done. Done to death. Even done to un-death. Yet the same generic, creatively retarded ideas get rehashed and rehashed.

And when the fuck did vampires learn Kung Fu? I don't recall Bram Stoker writing about round house kicks and fists of fury. Seriously, when the hell did that happen? It wasn't Anne Rice either. Her vamps were more likely to go antiquing and shopping for the perfect lamp shade than to lay down any Jiu Jitsu. Was it Blade? Was it Buffy?

I can't remember, did any of the lost boys throw any punches?

There has to be some other plausible device to tell the story of an immortal. Take Highlander, for instance, or Jesus, the Gorgons, certain Jedi, the Flying Dutchman, and the Boat of a Million Years...

After all, how immortal can you be if a well-placed toothpick can end your existence...

So, enough already. Enough sexy Gothy stories about black-clad melancholy blood suckers. Enough with the black leather dusters. Enough with the vampy Matrix ripoffs. Enough with the uber-hip vampire dance clubs. Enough staking. Enough biting. Enough slaying.

The genre has simply lost it's bite. Its sun has set. It's time to lay it in its grave. At least, for the time being.

3 comments:

  1. Crickets....

    OK, I have to agree with you. But, I feel that way about most movies lately. In fact, I feel that way about most new tv shows too. Last night a new series started called "Viva Laughlin" I was excited about it because one of the main stars is my all time favorite hottie, Madchen Amick. You twin peaks fans may know her as Shelly the waitress. Anyhow, they made my woman out to be a somewhat tamed housewife of 2 teenagers.

    There was even a scence where a stranger meets her in the grocery store that was exatly like a scene in the movie "Dream lover" Yes, I am obsessed with her movies.

    The only thing that may keep the series going a few more weeks is the fact that Hugh Jackman and Melanie Griffith are in it. However, Griffith's lips are so plumped with collagen that she can barely talk.
    There are scenes in the show where everyone breaks into song. I guess its a pseudo musical?

    I give it 2 thumbs way down.

    Amick gets a wink and a nod.

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  2. Frack off. I liked the Underworld franchise. Selene aka Kate Beckinsale was a hot female vampire warrior.

    I also think Interview with a Vampire may have been Tom Cruise's only good movie.

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  3. lawyers = vampires ... self loathing?

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Be compelling.

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