Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Nuptuals

Authority, once reserved solely for those who believed in god, is now vested in the likes of me. I am an ordained minister, though lazily agnostic, and I am authorized by my congregation (real and actual, located in Modesto, California) to join couples in genuine legally-binding matrimony.

Perhaps I've joined some of you, who are reading this right now.

I love weddings. They are full of magic and potential. I love being involved, and I've been involved in nearly every capacity. Ring boy, groomsman, groom, guest, usher, photographer, videographer, and flower arranger.

I've never been a bride, nor have I been a caterer. However, the single best job in the entire wedding is Minister. If done right, you can make the mothers laugh and you can make them cry. And if you can think fast on your feet, you can cover the gaffes and make the bride look good...

So, I am up for another wedding this year, in just a couple of weeks. A co-worker is getting married, and I was asked to officiate. This will be wedding number 4, though no-less unique than the three before. The bride and groom are performers, and have a certain theatrical flair. Therefore, I will be in costume.

Beginning with:


The clergy shirt. Nothing says "Divine Authority" like a black shirt with white boxy collar. I haven't worn one before, but I am technically authorized. So, soon, there will be another addition to my wardrobe. Because, you know, chicks dig a man in a uniform...

Then, to complete the ensemble, I will be in my kilt from the waist down. Gordon Regimental, square cut, box pleats, sporran, belt, ghillie brogues, dirk and flashes. The whole 9 yards. (Well, 16 yards, actually).

And yes, as a matter of fact, it is true what a Scotsman wears under his kilt...

There are pictures of the meat and potatoes to prove it.


Now, as a final note, I should confess that there will be one additional fashion accessory. A sword. A big ass broad sword, which will be drawn at the end of the ceremony. You will remember what I said about theatrical...

Anyway, it should come as no surprise, seeing how the processional is a Metalica intro...

I Love Wedings!

10 comments:

  1. Do you own a big ass broad sword? My college buddies bestowed a sword of gratness with winged dragon and a concealed dagger on the hilt. They made me kneel and be knighted. These bachelor friends graciously called the weapon the wife slayer and the dagger of divorce. I cut the cake with it. Hoilly was scared. Wanna borrow it? I do not have a scabbard. It would wear best across your back.

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  2. You know, I hate to admit this but I love plaid skirts. Those short little pleated plaid school girl skirts. If I see a stripper in one of those I start to hemorrhage singles.

    Does also mean that I have a thing for Scottish men? I just threw up a little in my mouth.

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  3. Thanks Ryan, but the groom is providing me with one.

    And Dr. B, it's OK, we can all continue to pretend that you're not gay...

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  4. Does carrying a sword make you less gay? Or is it the priest collar that will make you want to touch little boys.

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  5. Anonymous12:48 PM

    I hate my client, I hate my clients, I hate my clients, I hate my clients.....how do these people walk and breathe at the same time!??!?!?!

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  6. Anonymous2:58 PM

    someones having a bad day

    My clients can't walk, the majority can't breath except with the aid of a machine - which I control..

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  7. While I appreciate PrincessLeah's commentary on her job, its a little off topic (but at least its not about pregnancy...)

    As for the Kilt - you can question his manhood all you want, but I have to say - I've never seen the kind of female attention I recieved as when I was wearing a kilt. Women tend to dig it.
    (Though... the whole priest collar does tend to throw that into question....)

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  8. Anonymous4:11 PM

    While I agree chicks dig kilts I disagree with the priest collar analogy

    That makes it kinda dirty and oh so wrong - which is good..

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  9. I'm pretty sure the priest photo is of Nathan Filion, aka Caleb in BtVS S7.

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  10. Anonymous7:53 AM

    Father Filion?

    Damn thats hot

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Be compelling.

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