Father To Son

Let me be clear. I love my daughter, and I am amazed by her everyday. She and I go on weekend adventures. She helps me with complex tasks. There are many things that I look forward to teaching her and doing with her

This post, however, is not about her.

This post is about the other one. The boy

Having fully expected a second daughter, and therefore a houseful of women, I continue to be amazed that I have a son.

Big bright blue eyes (I still haven't ruled out Tom as the actual father) and a wide sly grin, the Boy is always happy. Even when he is crying, all I have to do is make eye-contact, and I get the big-eyed smile.

He seems to like me, which is good. I like him as well.

So, today, as I returned from a meeting at the courthouse, I walked back to the office in the company of an office mate, who also happens to be an openly gay black man. We discussed the meeting as we walked; I, dressed akin to Johnny Cash, while he was suited and dapper, as he always is.

For those Portlanders reading this, we were on Broadway, northbound, passing Nordstrom, when all of a sudden a woman crossed our path. Tall, maybe 5'10," long blond hair, trim, tan, with her business blouse open and fluttering in the breeze.
"So," said my friend, "what do you think about that?"

"Um, not my type really."

"Regardless," he pressed, "you weren't gawking at the display?"

I thought for a moment, scanning the instant replay in my mind. "No. I really wasn't."

He was perplexed. I mean, as guys, we like to look. It's a natural imperative. My gay friend likes to look, and generally, so do I. We just happen to like looking at different things.

"No," I said again. "I guess I generally don't gawk. My dad taught me at an early age to keep the gaze, in public, above the neckline. Or, at least, try to... Sometimes it catches you by surprise."

(This rule, of course, does not apply at nudy bars. Which is not a topic that was covered in my youth)

Anyway...

We both walked on, pondering the odd exchange. My mind wandered, though, away from the public display of cleavage, to the lessons learned from my dad. I began to wonder, now that I have a son, what will I teach him.

Here are some of the things I came up with.

1) Be vigilant with your Legos. The parts are small and the sets don't work unless you have all the pieces. This is good practice for life. I'm not sure what it is good life-practice for, though. All I know is, I'm anal about my Legos...

2) Clean your tools and put them away when you are finished using them. I learned this from my grandfather. He had a lot of well-cleaned and well-organized tools when he died.

3) Be generous. You may have talent. You may have brains. You may have good looks. However, all of that will amount to nothing if you can't be generous. If you want to have friends and meet girls, you have to be generous with your time, your money and your interest. If you can't be generous, at the very least, smile, and pretend that you care.

4) Know your drink. There are a lot of drink choices out there, and you should try most of them. However, once you've sampled your share, pick one, and be ready to order it. It is a sign of confidence. Whether you are in business lunch or on a date, knowing your drink and ordering it confidently, will give you a subtle subconscious edge. No one is impressed by a guy who waffles between which domestic light beer to order.

5) Do not spit in the wind. I dunno, this is a lesson that Daddy learned the hard way. maybe it's a lesson everyone has to learn for themselves.

6) Know the technical schematic of the human female. Simply stated, to avoid awkward humiliation, disappointment, frustration and resentment, take a few moments, in advance, to learn what all of the knobs, buttons and switches are, what they do and how to operate them. I'm willing to provide instructional reading material if necessary.

7) Know how to make a fire. Heat, fuel, oxygen. Our monkey-like ancestors figured it out. So should my son.

8) Know how to shoot a gun. More importantly, know how to be safe with one. Know how to hold it. Know how to store it. Know how to clean it. Really, though, learn how to shoot the damn thing. I want you to get them before they get you.

9) Know a joke, and how to tell it. You really only need one good one. Just don't fuck it up. Chicks dig funny guys. If you can't tell a joke, then at least know one good story. Preferably with a punchline.

10) Be good at Chess. You don't have to be Bobby Fischer. But you should be able to think ahead at least three moves, or more. This is true in all things. Chess is just a metaphor. Still though, be good at chess.

11) Likewise, be good at Poker. Don't just know how to play poker. Knowing how to play, but not knowing how to play well, is worse than not playing at all. Know the difference between a slow play and a bluff, know how to do both and when. Poker, like chess, is also a metaphor, but really a lot more fun.

12) Mind the three-dollar tip rule. When sitting at the rack, tip one dollar. This is the price you pay for your seat. The dancer doesn't really like you. She does not actually want to go home with you. She is taking her clothes off because it's her job. If you're sitting close enough to see her stubble, tip a buck.

If, within whatever confines exist in your jurisdiction, she provides some extra recognition or attention, tip a second dollar. This is true whether she hikes her leg over your shoulder, or simply wiggles her bits in your personal direction. That, my son, should cost you $2.

Then, if by some miracle, the DJ doesn't cut the song early, and she comes back for a third more-magnanimous gesture, that will cost you your third and final dollar for that song. No matter what else she can come up with from that point, you must stop at $3. Anything more implies that you want her to perform some act that would likely get her fired and you arrested. This creates a bad vibe for the whole table.

If you fold and stack your wad of ones into some towering magical dollar pagoda, then you are a chump and an ass.

13) Dress like a man. And by that I mean, know how men's clothes work, and don't be afraid to use them. First, the tie. Learn how to tie one. Don't worry, I will show you this one myself.

Second, If your shirt has buttons, iron it. Wrinkles are stupid. Cuff links are fun and can add character to your outfit. Also, always wear an undershirt. I don't care what Cary Grant did in that movie back in the 50s. No one wants to see your sweaty oily hairy flesh under your thin white cotton dress shirt.

Third, pants. Pleats and Cuffs are good. Always wear either a belt or braces. Never both. If you wear a belt, match it to your shoes. If you wear your pants in such a way that they hang half way down your ass, I will help you pull them up.

Shoes, tennis shoes are for tennis. When buying footwear, think leather.

14) Good and Evil. Know what it is to be good. Also, know what it is to be evil. Most of all, know when to be which.